I’ve shown you how to chip,
I’ve shown you how to chop,
I’ve shown you how to dice and slice.
These sad people who spend
all their time chopping stuff up
in the kitchen – all you need’s just
three cuts across like this.
You won’t find an onion chopper any quicker!
They’re not cheap.
If you’re looking for cheap stuff getahtofere.
I’ve been using this same machine
on my demonstrations for fifteen years.
And you get a free spirally cutter, look –
you can use the peel for earrings.
There’s a booklet with both words and pictures
so if you can’t read the words, just look at the pictures.
They’re £24.95 on TV,
so you’re saving almost a fiver.
If you can’t afford it today,
stick to the knife,
don’t bother me,
Not bein’ rude,
but I don’t have to live in your house.
The patter of a cockney guy demonstrating an elaborate kitchen vegetable cutting machine in Wood Green Shopping City, London, 2004. Submitted by Richard Tyrone Jones.