This is the cow

This is the cow. She must be milked every morning so that she will produce milk and the milk must be boiled in order to be mixed with coffee to make coffee and milk.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’

The cow is a successful animal.
Also he is quadrupud, and because
he is female, he give milk, but will do
when he is got child. He is same like God,
sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His motion is slow only because he
is of asitudinious species.
Also his other motion is useful
to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes
in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is
the only animal that extricates
his feeding after eating. Then afterwards
she chew with his teeth whom are situated
in the inside of the mouth. He is
incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending
organ is the horn, specially so when
he is got child. This is done by knowing
his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of earth
and instantly proceed with velocity
forwards.

He has got tails also, but not
like similar animals. It has hairs
on the other end of the other side.
This is done to frighten away the flies
which alight on his cohoa body
whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms
of his feet are soft unto the touch. So
the grasses head is not crushed. At night time
have poses by looking down on the ground
and he shouts his eyes like his relatives,
the horse does not do so. This is the cow.

From an essay on ‘the cow’ for the Indian Civil Services Exam.

Keep It Pimpin’

Get more serious about my money
and future. Treat this pimpin like its
a business only except their best.
Take care my bitches more better.

The other ways to work my hoes
internet, int. feature dancers, int. stuff.
Discover hoes from all over
Jail house, small cities, nationwide got hoes
that are waiting to be discovered.

Stay in high pursuit
looking for a prostitute
.
Don’t never get too comfortable
or lazy in my position.

Maintain and campaign everything I do
or buy make sure it’s a campaign tool
.
Make my word is my bond keep it pimpin!
Attend the Players Ball in Vegas
Cross country pimpin!
Establish my name internationally
.

Take my game to the next level
from the concrete streets,
to the executive suites
.
Pimp or die;
mack or cry
play to win
and plan to the end
.

Set up a international operation
have five hoes on every continent,
make every hoe take a vow to hoeing!

Purse first, ass last!
If I’m gonna take a chance,
then I’m gonna take the hoes money in advance!

Put my city on the map and establish my own player
Stack money to the ceiling safety deposit box.
Cash cars buy alot good cash cars that way
I will always have cars if something goes bad
.

Minimumize my budget cash cars, houses.
Keep a good photographer
split second video/kings flea market.
Get in touch with big Al out of Florida.

The business plan of a pimp presented by US prosecutors in Oakland.

In Case of a German

Between dog and wolf
horse horse tiger tiger
rabbit skins are falling.

A mute eating yellow lotus,
like a bee to a crying face;
thinking about the immortality of the crab.
It rains enough to drink while standing up.

The devil knows more for being old
than for being the devil. He’d steal 
your chickens and beg for eggs.
Speaking of Cao Cao, Cao Cao is here:
he’s trying to shit higher than his ass can reach.

Never say that priest is not my dad –
this ain’t my first rodeo.
Every creature that walks ends up in a grill.
If you are going to screw me, at least give me 
a kiss, oiling your moustache in anticipation
of the jackfruit tree bearing fruit.

Foreign sayings from other languages from the Reddit discussion culturally untranslatable phrases, started 3 December 2010.

Custom Dictionary

Aaaargh
aaargh
Arse

Bakewell
Baldy
buggeration
Bunnyface

colposcopy
Columbus
Cressida
Cumbria
Didsbury
Dimbleby
Duffer
dunno

Eon
Ecton
Er…

fab
FAB
Facebook
fishcake
fuck’em
Fulham

Gawain
goblins
got’em
grrr

haiku
hardcore
hubris
huzzah!

id
Ikea
Ingerland

jetlagged
Jodrell
Jonathan
Jonks

Kendrick
Kevinless
kissed

Lavinia
Lesbiana
Liverpuddle
luvverly

m’dear
Macaulay
Merseyside
Me
mercies
miseries
mockingbird
Monterey

narrowboats
needlecraft
nob

Orla
ooh
Oooh
ORLA
Ovaltine
ovulating

PDFs
PMS
PJs
pissed
podcast
poeting
pootling
Prokoviev
Psychicbread
quilting
Quorn

ravishing
Rayleigh
rehydrated
revelatory
RSPB
RSVP

Sadlergate
Sandiway
Sandringham
Sarge
Sauvignon
Sellotape
sleepyhead
sparrowfart

Tamworth
Tesco
thingybob
Thinkpad
tinternet
tirribly
topsy
Tupperware
turvy
Um…

undelete
Undercliffe

vengeful
vergers

weirdly
Whitby

whooping
whortleberries

Xanthe
Xmas

yay
!

From the custom dictionary on my phone – these are all the words my phone has learnt from me. By Jo Bell.

Fifteen Minutes More

Our French dream is over . . .
and now I fear for our
happy marriage, says
Lauren Booth.

Lauren Booth: I changed my
Facebook profile after
a row and now my husband
is in a coma.

I asked him: ‘Do you know
who I am?’ reveals
Lauren Booth as her husband
emerges from a coma.

Lauren Booth thanks God her
husband survived a
horrific motorbike
accident but confesses:
The man I loved is dead.

Lauren Booth wrote about
dumping her husband on
Facebook and his terrible
road accident but now
her mother-in-law asks:
Why can’t we keep
this in the family?

Lauren Booth: why I hate
my mother and never
want to see her again.


Daily Mail headlines collected by Lost in Showbiz, 28 October 2010. By Marika Rose.

Last in Translucent

Even the Euro
began pouring into play to
many, leading. Them, they were not realising. You
don’t recognise your new problems.
Ridiculed in six weeks prior.
I live, come together and help each other.
The people make nearly all of our racquetball a Guerrier Gordon
show.
I’m just a troll and eastern European
multi-area –
are you good at that?
Seven as the sun.
Ronald book on Dearing committee
once upon
or start flooding in to Western Europe.

Your
store
asking questions take the altered
e.g. the Tories blame rather half
crosses on grounds of grown ups, windows monuments
he rose to the person.

The result of using new dictation software for the very first time to transcribe an interview, 18 November 2010. Almost none of the words are correct. By Rachel Helen Smith.