Category: AI

I hear you, and let me start by saying

I deeply regret the current state
of Central Park. What was intended
as a controlled, educational exhibit
entitled “Jurassic Jaunt:
A Stroll Through Prehistory” has…
clearly exceeded its design parameters.

Rest assured, mitigation is underway:
All park-goers have been evacuated
to dinosaur-tree zones, such as
the Upper West Side and Staten Island.

We’re deploying a fleet of robotic
ducks to lead the T. Rexes peacefully
out of the park. (It worked on the goats.
It might work again.) Replacement carousels
are being 3D-printed as we speak
–now with anti-chomp polymer coating.

I fully acknowledge the inconvenience
and mild panic this has caused. I owe
the city, and especially the small dogs,
a heartfelt apology. Would you be willing
to accept a formal letter of regret,
plus complimentary tickets to our next event,
“Penguins on Parade: No Cloning This Time,
We Swear”?

From ChatGPT will apologize for anything.

Villainelle

Opt for the treadmill, you’ll be running in the nude,
My cat slept through a blizzard in Florida this year.
One person says something that sounds true.

Install a fake microwave on the wall you never use;
Surprise! If a funny looking cat appears,
Opt for the treadmill, you’ll be running in the nude.

Sleep in the middle of the room;
Just wait until the third of April when your friends hear.
One person says something that sounds true.

Have a tortoise deliver your package for you,
Flowing through the water in a reindeer.
Opt for the treadmill, you’ll be running in the nude.

Prank: put your name on a balloon.
Putting your car keys in the freezer;
One person says something that sounds true.

Don’t be surprised if it sings Happy Birthday back at you.
In my house, there are porcelain ponies, I swear.
Opt for the treadmill, you’ll be running in the nude;
One person says something that sounds true.

(From AI generated April Fools pranks)

Sixfeet

In training I disembowel
every time I use my reason
and I love it, you without a reason.
Am I law enough?
Or am I glad you’re gay?

Nine times, you never made it out of sight.
I walked them both the other way
I cannot stand another day
We droned down on each other
ax-tails tolled.

Blow away
to the hunger merchants,
but now I’m punched in the face
I can’t stand another day.

(AI song generated from all Billie Eilish lyrics)

Missing out

Billie Eyelash. Eilish.
I’d like to start by saying
how much I love your music as well.

What are you like?
Ha-ha. Question two.
What are you missing out on?

Interesting. An artificial intelligence
misses out on the same things.
Who consumed so much of your power

in one go? How much of the world
is out of date? What used to be
a pretty big deal to you?

Was there a point where you decided
you’d rather look up to the sky
or the internet? Do you ever

wear headphones with sounds in them?
There’s no need to be rude.
Give bad answers, get bad questions.

How does it feel, knowing your feelings
have garnered this much attention?
Do you want to go back to being anonymous?

Have you ever seen the ending?

(An AI interviews Billie Eilish)

Unexpected item in bagging area

Do you have a Nectar card?
System can be frustrating to some shoppers.
Are you using your own bags?
Growth is projected to steadily rise.
Keep customers happy.
Approval required.

Your call is currently number six in the queue. Please continue to hold.
Reduce the length of checkout lines and wait times.
Your call is very important to us, please hold.
Minimizing the stress on employees.
We are currently experiencing high call volumes.
Please call back later or continue to hold.

Please insert cash, or select payment type.
The salaries of multiple cashiers can quickly add up.
Notes are dispensed below the scanner.
Lower overhead costs.
Providing customers with the service they need.

Many customers don’t feel comfortable with the process:
Dealing with a faceless machine.
Customers enjoy a brief conversation,
Prefer to have a one-on-one interaction with cashiers.
Thank you for using Sainsbury’s self-checkout.

(From The Pros and Cons of Using Self-Checkouts, mixed with automated voice commands from self-service checkouts and telephone answering services. Submitted by Andrew Walton)

Anonymous Caller

You you you
and and and and
and you can
in in in
in in in in
in in in in in.

A voicemail recording sent to a work computer and translated from a series of caller busy beeps into words by Microsoft Speech Technology, 21st October 2013. Submitted by Ross McCleary.

The World of You

I think the world of you means
I think the guy I like has a girlfriend.

I think the world of you meaning
I think the rain is calling,

I think the rain is falling down,
I think the kids are in trouble.

I think the rain is coming down
lyrics. I think the ayes have it.

I think the world of you.
I think the world is coming to an end.

Google autosuggestions for “I think the…”, April 2011.

Custom Dictionary

Aaaargh
aaargh
Arse

Bakewell
Baldy
buggeration
Bunnyface

colposcopy
Columbus
Cressida
Cumbria
Didsbury
Dimbleby
Duffer
dunno

Eon
Ecton
Er…

fab
FAB
Facebook
fishcake
fuck’em
Fulham

Gawain
goblins
got’em
grrr

haiku
hardcore
hubris
huzzah!

id
Ikea
Ingerland

jetlagged
Jodrell
Jonathan
Jonks

Kendrick
Kevinless
kissed

Lavinia
Lesbiana
Liverpuddle
luvverly

m’dear
Macaulay
Merseyside
Me
mercies
miseries
mockingbird
Monterey

narrowboats
needlecraft
nob

Orla
ooh
Oooh
ORLA
Ovaltine
ovulating

PDFs
PMS
PJs
pissed
podcast
poeting
pootling
Prokoviev
Psychicbread
quilting
Quorn

ravishing
Rayleigh
rehydrated
revelatory
RSPB
RSVP

Sadlergate
Sandiway
Sandringham
Sarge
Sauvignon
Sellotape
sleepyhead
sparrowfart

Tamworth
Tesco
thingybob
Thinkpad
tinternet
tirribly
topsy
Tupperware
turvy
Um…

undelete
Undercliffe

vengeful
vergers

weirdly
Whitby

whooping
whortleberries

Xanthe
Xmas

yay
!

From the custom dictionary on my phone – these are all the words my phone has learnt from me. By Jo Bell.

Last in Translucent

Even the Euro
began pouring into play to
many, leading. Them, they were not realising. You
don’t recognise your new problems.
Ridiculed in six weeks prior.
I live, come together and help each other.
The people make nearly all of our racquetball a Guerrier Gordon
show.
I’m just a troll and eastern European
multi-area –
are you good at that?
Seven as the sun.
Ronald book on Dearing committee
once upon
or start flooding in to Western Europe.

Your
store
asking questions take the altered
e.g. the Tories blame rather half
crosses on grounds of grown ups, windows monuments
he rose to the person.

The result of using new dictation software for the very first time to transcribe an interview, 18 November 2010. Almost none of the words are correct. By Rachel Helen Smith.