human steak could of course be

cultured would 

you eat 
it(i wouldn’t

but it’s hard 
to say 
why)it would 

be:cultured 
from a single,nameable 
person;hugh 
fearnley-

whittingstall 
served human 
placenta;also 

clone of 1 
person(i wouldn’t eat that 

either)

(A Richard Dawkins tweet)

UKIP Weather Forecast: It’s Raining Men

A morning kiss between two consenting adults
will lead to drizzle on higher ground.
An area of blame will move in from the east
before drifting away and settling over Brussels.
Dark clouds are forming over the Midlands
following voluntary sexual intercourse
between two unmarried persons.
Temperatures will plummet as a result
of a man in Cumbria enthusiastically browsing
through a home furnishings catalogue.
The early sunshine in the Cotswolds
has been replaced by cloud after a man
spent a suspiciously long time grooming his facial hair.
The sun makes a brief appearance
after John Barrowman stubs his toe
on the corner of a wardrobe.

Compiled from tweets by @UkipWeather in response to UKIP Councillor David Silvester’s remarks linking bad weather to same-sex marriage. Submitted by Angi Holden.

Synopsis

Cambodian rival parties probe Michelle
Knight held captive for a decade 6 Children;

suicide-attack Doctors treat world
police, standoff merchants press, twist settlement;

pre-Islamic Bahrain filming Al Pachino movie,
Chicago building nears completion in Shanghai;

Giant octopus hunting Puget Sound World;
New York selling Boston, Globe; John Henry

deals to buy Boston, Globe, woman, voices, sons,
New Zealand, botulism, the sun set, a northernmost city;

Hollywood baby abandoned; inmates strike against California
archaeologists looking to begin again might be too late.

From the Twitter stream of the Associated Press, 2 August 2013. Some punctuation altered to recreate the ambiguity of a rolling Twitter feed. Submitted by M.K. Sukach.

I hope…

I hope you always get your squash to water ratio wrong;
the new carpet in your office means that you constantly get static shocks;
you approach someone in the street and you both move to the same side
and the top comes off your salt pot and you get too much on your chips –
not loads, just too much for them to be nice.

I hope you’re offered a Revel and get the coffee one;
the next delivery you’re to receive between 8am-6pm arrives at 5.59;
in the middle of the night you need a wee, and in the dark end up standing on a lego brick
and you make toast one day, really looking forward to toast and jam,
and don’t have any jam.

I hope you accidentally get given a foreign coin in your change;
you discover the milk is off only once you’ve added it to your tea;
you can’t play your favourite pentatonic song because you’ve removed the black keys
and you ask for The Wicker Man on dvd for your birthday
and get the Nicolas Cage remake.

I hope your tattoo artist can’t spell Britain.

Selected from tweets with the hashtag #Edlmisfortunes. Semicolons have been added to the first two lines of each stanza; ‘and’ has been added to the beginning of line 4. Submitted by Angi Holden.

The broken down train

The broken down train has started moving. We will be able to get all the trains moving soon.

The train has just started moving. We will be able to get everything running soon.

The train has moved, we will be able to move all trains now. Some residual delay will occur.

The broken train has moved, Trains will be able to run again. Sorry for the delay.

The train has just started moving, Trains are able to run again. Some residual delay will occur.

The broken down train is now on the move. Residual delay is expected until 19:15

Ha, Make sure you tweet again next time.

You’re welcome, sorry for the delay.

Sorry for the delay today.

Consecutive tweets from South West Trains, 16th March 2013. Submitted by MsJinnifer.

Cars parked on the pavement

Cars parked on the pavement in Benchill
1 minute ago

Theft of cash from a garage in Salford
1 minute ago

Theft from a car in Bolton
2 minutes ago

Fail to stop collision, two cars, damage only, no injuries, Salford
2 minutes ago

Abandoned car in south Manchester
2 minutes ago

Neighbour dispute in Wigan
2 minutes ago

Harassment by ex-partner in Stockport
2 minutes ago

Neighbour dispute in Rochdale
2 minutes ago

Report of man asleep in toilets in theatre when asked he left
3 minutes ago

Domestic issue in Oldham
3 minutes ago

Antisocial behaviour – youths throwing things at cars in Bolton
3 minutes ago

Report of abandoned animal in Salford
3 minutes ago

Customer refusing to leave shop, Bolton
3 minutes ago

Information regarding an annoying letter
4 minutes ago

Selected from the Greater Manchester Police twitter feed, publishing every event it dealt with over a 24-hour period ending 15 October 2010. Submitted by Nick Asbury.