The Mystery of Pittkapples Stone

Mrs. Gordon of Coneregie lies close
to the north dyke near the middle.
Miss Nans Leslie of Pittkapple
lies below Pittkapples stone.

Mr. George Mereson lies
at the south dyke at Mr Reid’s head.
Mr. Reid lies at the south side
of Pitfodle’s stone next to the dyke.

Mrs. Ann Allan or Cambell, wife
of ––– Allan, of the Coast Guard Station, Cove,
was buried second grave,
south of Bishop Grant’s grave.

Mr. John Goodsman, lies in the north
side of Isobel Gordon, close by her.
Mrs. Rankin lies at the head
of Bishop Grant’s, below a stone.

Bishop Grant lies in the middle
of west end of the Pittkapples stone.
For Pittkapples stone read Pittfodle’s.
Miss Wishart lies near the stone in the middle of it.

Mr. Alexander McNab was buried
in the Snow Churchyard with his daughter
in the grave next to Bishop Grant’s
stone on the north side.

James, infant son of Capt. Kyle,
was buried in the Snow Churchyard
in the grave betwixt Pitfodles
and Mr. Massie’s stone.

A child of Mr. McDonald lies
in the grave next to the north dyke
opposite Miss Rankin’s gravestone.
Bishop Geddes lies in Bishop Grant’s grave.

Miss Margaret Cruickshank lies
in the north side of Pittfodle’s stone
close by it. Mrs. Gordon,
his sister lies in his grave.

18th and 19th Century burial records for Snow Churchyard, Aberdeen. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

This is the cow

This is the cow. She must be milked every morning so that she will produce milk and the milk must be boiled in order to be mixed with coffee to make coffee and milk.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’

The cow is a successful animal.
Also he is quadrupud, and because
he is female, he give milk, but will do
when he is got child. He is same like God,
sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His motion is slow only because he
is of asitudinious species.
Also his other motion is useful
to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes
in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is
the only animal that extricates
his feeding after eating. Then afterwards
she chew with his teeth whom are situated
in the inside of the mouth. He is
incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending
organ is the horn, specially so when
he is got child. This is done by knowing
his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of earth
and instantly proceed with velocity
forwards.

He has got tails also, but not
like similar animals. It has hairs
on the other end of the other side.
This is done to frighten away the flies
which alight on his cohoa body
whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms
of his feet are soft unto the touch. So
the grasses head is not crushed. At night time
have poses by looking down on the ground
and he shouts his eyes like his relatives,
the horse does not do so. This is the cow.

(From an essay on ‘the cow’ for the Indian Civil Services Exam)

Keep It Pimpin’

Get more serious about my money
and future. Treat this pimpin like its
a business only except their best.
Take care my bitches more better.

The other ways to work my hoes
internet, int. feature dancers, int. stuff.
Discover hoes from all over
Jail house, small cities, nationwide got hoes
that are waiting to be discovered.

Stay in high pursuit
looking for a prostitute
.
Don’t never get too comfortable
or lazy in my position.

Maintain and campaign everything I do
or buy make sure it’s a campaign tool
.
Make my word is my bond keep it pimpin!
Attend the Players Ball in Vegas
Cross country pimpin!
Establish my name internationally
.

Take my game to the next level
from the concrete streets,
to the executive suites
.
Pimp or die;
mack or cry
play to win
and plan to the end
.

Set up a international operation
have five hoes on every continent,
make every hoe take a vow to hoeing!

Purse first, ass last!
If I’m gonna take a chance,
then I’m gonna take the hoes money in advance!

Put my city on the map and establish my own player
Stack money to the ceiling safety deposit box.
Cash cars buy alot good cash cars that way
I will always have cars if something goes bad
.

Minimumize my budget cash cars, houses.
Keep a good photographer
split second video/kings flea market.
Get in touch with big Al out of Florida.

The business plan of a pimp presented by US prosecutors in Oakland, from Youth Radio, via kottke. The several parentheses have been italicised instead and basic punctuation added where not in the original. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

In Case of a German

Between dog and wolf
horse horse tiger tiger
rabbit skins are falling.

A mute eating yellow lotus,
like a bee to a crying face;
thinking about the immortality of the crab.
It rains enough to drink while standing up.

The devil knows more for being old
than for being the devil. He’d steal 
your chickens and beg for eggs.
Speaking of Cao Cao, Cao Cao is here:
he’s trying to shit higher than his ass can reach.

Never say that priest is not my dad –
this ain’t my first rodeo.
Every creature that walks ends up in a grill.
If you are going to screw me, at least give me 
a kiss, oiling your moustache in anticipation
of the jackfruit tree bearing fruit.

Foreign sayings from a multitude of other languages, including the title (from Polish), all taken from a Reddit discussion about culturally untranslatable phrases started 3 December 2010. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Adventually

Make christmas pictures. Make christmas toy lists.
Ete mints pies. Decorate bedroom and hotel.
Dress up toys. Reef up. Watch mupits christmas
charle. Make Santa’s house out of lego.

Make christmas cards. Christmas tree or read
christmas story. Watch Narnea. Watch Shreck
the holls. An activity scene out.
Dressing gouns on. Deckarate tree. Play games.

Rein dear sweet thing. Dress Atticus up
as Jeses. Make crackers and biscits.
Play in the snow if there is any.
Take pictures of Robings. Sing Rudeof

the red knose Raindear. Put stockings out.
Put mints pies and drink for Santa.

An advent calendar of 24 things to do before Christmas made by my seven-year-old son, with the numbers removed but in his original order. Penned 26 October 2010. Notes: ‘Reef’ means wreath; the ‘Rein dear sweet thing’ is a reindeer-shaped sweet dispenser; Atticus is his baby brother. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Effed Up

Find more friends.
More friends are waiting.

These five friends
found their friends using
the Facebook Friend Finder.
Have you found all of your friends?
Give it a try.

Find friends

Microcopy from Facebook, spotted 9 October 2010. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

All Stand to Sing

VERSE 1
Great man, who descended from heaven
Great man, who is a man of deeds.
Savior, supreme leader of the nation
Guiding star of the 21st century.

CHORUS
Leader, great leader,
Great sun of the 21st Century.
Father, beloved father,
Bright Sun of the 21st Century.

VERSE 2
Dear leader, who is a perfect incarnation
of the appearance that a leader should have.
Wise leader, father of the nation,
Father of the people, great sun of life.

CHORUS…

VERSE 3
Beloved and respected father
Great defender, sun of the nation.
Beloved and respected leader,
Fate of the nation, guiding ray of sun.

CHORUS… x2

An evangelical chorus from the official names of Kim Jong-Il.

Turn of the Century

Jim Higginson, Jeff Pullinger,
New tweet traffic, John Whittaker.
Jo_Bell, scribble mill,
J Willmoth, Stoo Gill,
Woodward (MW), Steph Walker.

M Suryadarma, Seymikins, Jason Davies,
Alastair Cook, Evans_above, Philosophicles;
Ani Dhorchaidhe, johan vdm_tweets, Bruntonspall,
Kiwi_j, Holmes Annie, Phil Harford, man birth control.

Saxicola, Elspeth Murray, Ambit magazine,
Ally Maughan, chris_emslie, TJ Cashman, Dex Brady;
Firebird Poetry, Phill_dolby, Alasdair North,
Stuart Durber, DK Scully, CA Whitworth.

Rocky
Rutherford, Dreich
Randall Snare, Marika
Rose, Mary Rose Lloyd, Rich Oster
robot

prior
Paul poetry
Perly gates, Joanna
Paterson, Parkers web, Qban
poet

Liz Plane
Lump in the throat
Len Bogorad, Alfrot
Lucie Shuker, Lisa Ansell
Leithing

Crafty green poet HaikuGirl_, handful of stones Adarro,
Elly green poetry ed snow, Beta Rish Ajodasso.
F green Amy Plenderleith, Bertielicious Jaduperreault.

Emily Hewson Daniel J John, Geoff De Geoff Geoff Stevenson,
Toyedi Shrewmaus N Schonken, Glendronach Ben Hodson.
Caroline crew Tolte C John, Scotbower Vicky Osullivan.

Kaslis_1, Pete Marshall 1
J Flamingo 2, Ninja Grrlz 6

Minute story:

Poetry found one night:
stanzas the poetry editor read.
Write, cook, by leaves we live, design tides,
graft poetry, write 0ut loud, muse…
Hunter, weaponizer, moondust writer,
idyllic poet, mark burdz eye view.

Anon, poetry.

Mknight.

The twitter handles of @verbatimpoem’s first 100 followers. Among the stanzas there are firsts on Verbatim for some poetic forms: the limerick, the Korean sijo and the Crapsey cinquain.

Grey on red

They didn’t want to come here.
They didn’t swim the Atlantic.
They were brought in, probably reluctantly,
by British gentlemen who thought they’d look cute
in their estate grounds, gardens and deer parks.

Is it their fault the smaller reds took one look,
turned tail, and fled somewhere safer?
Grey squirrels do not physically attack
red squirrels. They don’t even chase them.
They might frighten them a bit, who knows.

Bill Oddie, accompanying the BBC News article Black squirrels’ slow scamper to dominate.