Category: blog posts

Things that don’t work

Making sense of crazy people interactions,
thinking about your life like a movie,
expecting people to follow written instructions.

Picking stocks,
tree-based knowledge organization,
communism,
acupuncture,
counting calories.
Making sense of crazy people interactions. 

AI methods that don’t leverage computation.
Jokes,
pulling out,
quality over quantity,
expecting people to follow written instructions.

Explaining board games,
books (non-fiction),
fixing relationship problems by having a baby.
Making sense of crazy people interactions. 

Waiting.
Arguing.
Without the G word – religion.
Solving supply shortages with consumption subsidies.
Expecting people to follow written instructions.

Tearing your hair out because people don’t follow written instructions.
Wanting to be liked;
as pets – chimpanzees.
Making sense of crazy people interactions;
expecting people to follow written instructions.

(From Things that don’t work)

A single word

Consume the show.
Gobble it up.
Glean whatever little meaning you can
and move on.

Clear the backlog.
The new season of Stranger Things.
Binge it in a day.
Forget it a week later.
The new Taylor Swift just dropped.
Listen to it until the new Beyoncé.
Listen to that until the new Kendrick.
Listen to that until the new…
Listen to this audiobook at 2x.
Watch this LinkedIn Learning video.
Queue up that thing on YouTube.
What’s happening on Twitter?

Scroll
scroll
scroll
scroll
scroll
scroll
scroll.

Look at this Reddit post.
Read what’s on Apple News.
Check your RSS feeds.
Watch that new show on Netflix.
Watch that new show on Hulu.
Watch that new show on Peacock.
Watch that new show on Max.
Watch that new show on Paramount+.
Watch that new show on Disney+.
Watch that new show on Apple TV+.
Wait what’s that actor’s name?
Yeah, they were in that thing.
No, no, the other thing.
We just watched it.
Yeah, we did.
Yes, I swear you and I watched that.
Yes, you have, you said you liked it, I remember.
Anyway, can you believe what they said
about Israel and Palestine?

You need this promotion.
You need more money.
You need to upskill.
You need a better manager.
You need to network.
You need to market yourself.
You need to monetize your hobbies.
You need to sell your art.
You need to hustle.
You need to count calories.
You need to check out this story on Insta.
You need to hook them in the first five seconds
before they scroll past.
No one wants to put in the time to listen
to someone who can’t capture their attention.
Trick them.
Make them mad.
Get them hooked.
Make them crave more.
Here’s another fucking Star Wars movie.
Here’s why it’s fucking terrible.
Here’s why it’s the best fucking thing
Disney has ever done since it invented Star Wars.
Here’s the first in an anthology series
you’ll watch over 20 fucking years.
Don’t miss it.
Oh, you didn’t watch Ms. Marvel?
You’ll never understand why Reed Richards
fucked this ox in the post-mid-credits sequence
of Quantumania.
Get ready for the multiverse.
Get ready for the metaverse.
Get ready for Spatial Computing!
Get ready for the new iPhone.
Write a review.
Make a video.
Smash that bell.
Like that subscribe button.
Kiss your dad square on the lips.
I wish my dad saw me as a person.
Get 5% off your first purchase
by using code COCKSWADDLE.
Thanks to our sponsors.
Support us on Patreon.
Visit the shop.
Rate us on iTunes.
Follow us on Threads.
Enable notifications
so you never miss a thing.

Help, please, I am drowning
and there’s only so much time left
before I am completely forgotten,
and I haven’t been able to do anything
I thought I was supposed to do,
and all I want is for people to see me
and appreciate me,
and I just want to make things that say
something meaningful to someone, anyone.

Are you reading this?
I want to be done with this blog post,
but I am so worried that if I stop,
it won’t mean a single goddamned thing,
I won’t mean anything.
I am no one.
I am nothing.
I am so excited for the new Call of Duty.
I played 2,000 hours of Diablo IV,
and here’s why it’s total garbage.
The new Zelda is literally the best game ever created.
There is nothing more bae than swag, no cap.
You will never believe how many licks it takes
to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Breathe.

There is no point in time where we have had more access to information than we do now. You could cut out every single possible nanosecond of silence and never make it through. You will never be efficient enough to see it all before you’re gone.

Breathe.

And that’s okay. Maybe it’s better if you just sit and listen and enjoy the art. Someone worked hard to create it. It deserves your full attention.

Breathe.

When was the last time you truly, deeply, unabashedly connected with something and you didn’t say a single word about it?

Breathe.

What is the most important thing to you?

Breathe.

Why?

Breathe.

Why?

Breathe.

Why?

Breathe.

Breathe.

(From Hot take: it’s okay if we don’t consume all of the world’s information before we die)

cats tendtoexist

cats
tendtoexist in your

per
iph

eral
(vis)
(ion
and
after (a while
you move)
around the house

in a manner that
accommodates
the expectation of their

PRESENCE

waiting
to trip

you

up

on the stairs
or suddenlyemerge
from no!where
andstart s l o w w a l k i n g
in
fro
/nt
of
you

as you try
to get
from         room

to
room

(Remix of Like Ghosts)

Beside me

ok I’m a human and you’re a human
and we’re going to take an intimate walk
through this seemingly ordinary part
of my life but if you look closely
this moment will reveal something
delightfully specific and illuminating
to what makes
me
me
and I want to share
that with you because quite frankly I just like
your company and even in the silence
(sometimes especially in the silence)
it makes me feel somewhere between warm
and content to have you here beside me

(From The Errand Friend Date)

I’m afraid

I’m afraid of oncoming trains and that feeling
right before a train approaches and the wind is all around you,
when you have no choice but to submit to the surge.

I’m afraid of death, but not like normal death.
I died in a dream and floated above myself
as an amorphous gas. It was strange and terrifying.

I’m afraid of heights, when you are forced
to see just how big everything is around you
and how little it all has to do with you.

I’m afraid that I can only give love to people
I know will hurt me. If the right kind of love
came into my life, I wonder if I’d be able to accept it.

I’m afraid that if I told someone that I love them,
they would think it was stupid — like the Valentines’ card
that just gets thrown away. I don’t want to be thrown away.

I’m afraid I wasn’t good enough for him, and that’s why
he didn’t love me anymore. Years of him telling me
that wasn’t the case haven’t put to rest this nagging idea.

I’m afraid of owning things, other than clothes.
The things you let into your life break or break you.
I’m still learning how to live with the things that are broken.

I’m afraid I attach too much self-worth to what other people
think of me. I hate that I always expect him not to call
and am surprised when he does.

I’m afraid I only see the worst in people
or that I expect too much out of them.
This is a metaphor for expecting too much of myself.

I’m afraid that my father and I will never get to a point
where being around him doesn’t make me want to cry
both for no reason and for every reason.

I’m afraid I can’t stop secretly wanting his approval,
no matter how much he hurts me.
I’m afraid this is a cliché.

I’m afraid that everything inside of me is unoriginal,
not worthy of saying out loud. Sometimes I don’t open my mouth
because I’m worried about what will come out if I do.

I’m afraid that I spend so much time trying to do
something that I’ll feel proud of when I’m older
that I forget to be happy right now, in the moment.

I’m afraid that my worry’s not worthy of sharing,
so when people ask me how I am, I say “fine”.
I wouldn’t be able to tell them what’s wrong.

I’m afraid that when people read this they’ll think
I’m another whiny, spoiled, self-conscious twenty-something
that just needs to lighten up and relax.

I worry that I haven’t even earned the right to be anxious,
because what do I even know about suffering?
This makes me want to cry, but I don’t remember how.

I’m afraid you didn’t read this or finish it,
or that it got lost in the shuffle of the billions of things
and that I gave away a part of myself for nothing.

I’m also afraid that you’ll know exactly how I feel, too,
because you feel these same things every day.
I’m afraid that I’m not alone.

(From 25 things I’m afraid of. Submitted by Angi Holden)

Step two

although the thought that we wasted
money, misplaced our trust and threw away
our time sickens us to no end, we must

accept these logic-defying feats of idiocy
as learning experiences; otherwise, we will walk
no further on the NAA no-path. We must

say it again and again,
we’ve been toe fooled, we’ve been toe fooled, we’ve been
toe fooled.

are we home yet, Shanti? This must become our
anti-mantra, a non-affirmation
affirmation capable of penetrating our ether-filled minds,

helping us to admit that Jesus.com has nothing to
do with Nostradamus. Now is the time when we must
learn to question every Tom, Dick and Guru who shops

in a health food store, see that the only implants in
need of removal were inserted by the most dangerous E.T.
of all: Earth’s very own Extortion Terrestrials.

this is a difficult task indeed, for only those who’ve put their
inner children to bed know the difference between retail
spirituality and spiritual retaliation.

(From 12 Steps For The Recovering New Ager. Submitted by Ana Prundaru)>

12 Reasons You are my Ex

1. Exacerbate: to make worse
2. Exact: to call for and obtain (“exact revenge”)
3. Exaggerate: to overemphasize or overstate
4. Exalt: to glorify or intensify
5. Examine: to inspect, investigate, or scrutinize
6. Exasperate: to aggravate or enrage
7. Excavate: to remove or expose by digging or as if by digging
8. Exceed: to be greater than or to go beyond a limit or normal boundary
9. Except: to keep out or to object
10. Excerpt: to take out or select, especially writing, for other use
11. Exchange: to trade
12. Excise: to remove by cutting or as if by cutting

From 90 Verbs Starting with “Ex-“, Daily Writing Tips. Submitted by Sean Wai Keung.

A hundred identical hooks

Believe the unbelievable
Love hurts

The end begins
Every second counts

Get carried away
Justice is coming

No guts, no glory
Assume the position

Evil rises
Looks can kill

Once upon a time
Unlock the secret

Revenge is coming
Love is a force of nature

Journey beyond your imagination
No body is safe

Fear thy neighbor
Break the silence

There is no substitute
Hold your breath

If looks could kill
Believe

A hero will rise
A love story

Love stings
Be careful what you wish for

Blood is thicker than water
The con is on

There is no escape
Lead us into temptation

Every family has a secret
Are you in or out?

This place is so dead
The time has come

The ultimate battle begins
Everything will change

Fight fire with fire
Escape is the only solution

Life happens when you least expect it
No one gets out alive

There’s one in all of us
Nothing is as simple as black and white

A comedy for the romantically challenged
The end is near

Take a stand
No soul is safe

Love thy neighbor
Join the party

Fear nothing, risk everything
How far would you go for a friend?

There’s one in every family
The boys are back in town

The journey begins
The hunt begins

They are coming
Legends never die

The real ghost story
Heaven help us

There’s only one way out
Get in the game

Heroes aren’t born, they’re made
Revenge is a dish best served cold

Let the mind games begin
Fight or die

Get some
Time is running out

Everything you’ve heard is true
Catch her if you can

Enter at your own risk
Get in, get out

Everybody has a secret
It’s time to take a stand

It’s her world, we’re just living in it
Careful what you wish for

A comedy to arouse your appetite
Everything comes full circle

Some secrets are better left buried
This might hurt a little

A legend never dies
You are what you eat

Feel the love
Are you game?

We’ve all been there
There are no clean getaways

There goes the neighborhood
Something wicked this way comes

The legend comes to life
Everything is connected

You can’t choose your family
Trust no one

There are two/three sides to every (love) story

A list of identical taglines for pairs of different movies in a blog post by Christophe Courtois. Submitted by Mark Dzula.

Why We Can’t See What’s Right in Front of Us

People tend to fixate on the common
use of an object. For example, the people on the Titanic

overlooked the possibility that the iceberg
could have been their lifeboat.

Newspapers from the time estimated the size of the iceberg
to be between 50-100 feet high and 200-400 feet long.

The Titanic was navigable for awhile
and could have pulled aside the iceberg.

Many people could have climbed aboard it to find
flat places to stay out of the water

for the four hours before help arrived.
Fixated on the fact that icebergs sink ships,

people overlooked the size and shape of the iceberg
(plus the fact that it would not sink).

From Why We Can’t See What’s Right in Front of Us, Tony McCaffrey, Harvard Business Review, 10 May 2012. Submitted by Emma Rae Lierley.