The Passenger and the Privy

I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station
and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit.
I am therefor went to privy.

Just I doing the nuisance that guard
making whistle blow for train to go off
and I am running with LOTAH in one hand
and DHOTI in the next

when I am fall over and expose all shocking
to man and female women on platform.
I am got leaved Ahmedpur station.

This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung
that dam guard not wait train minutes for him.
I am therefor pray your honour to make big fine
on that guard for public sake.

Otherwise I am making big report to papers.

A letter of complaint sent in 1909 to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in West Bengal. Source: New Delhi Railway Museum, via Letters of Note. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

The Complaining Lunch Queue Riposte

However the children complain
that they have to wait
they are hungry
they have less choices
they should even not have to wait
because they have their own lunch—
maybe this is all done deliberately
maybe temporarily
in order to teach them patience.

Why not?
They are not starving to death.
Should everything be easy?
Life is not like that.

Personally I trust the school.

From a Google groups message written by a parent at my child’s primary school. He wrote it as a reply to a stream of complaints from other parents that their children were having to wait too long to get their lunch. Commas removed. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Chickens on bikes

Things like boiling water, lizard watching,
mosquito nets, thorns in my shoes, wearing
skirts and t-shirts all the time, waking at
five AM, seat feeling sweaty, hearing
spoken Swahili, admiring cornrows,
dirt tracks and colourful markets and snacks
that all seemed so new when I first arrived,
now just feel normal. Glass pop bottles, old
Tsh notes, mud brick houses, chickens on bikes,
Karibu, men at bus stations, heat, dust,
colourful buses and dala-dala
and colourful clothes, rice and beans, insect
repellant, hot showers heated by the sun,
watering the garden morning and night,
African singing, mangos and pawpaw,
taking antimalarials, buying
green vegetables for the girls low in 
iron, frogs, owls, feeding chickens … I got 
that challenged feeling again today,
of having practical skills to offer.

For those of you 
expecting a blog
on South Africa, 

well, what can I say?
They did show G.I. Jane 

twice in four days.

(Sarah’s post from Tanzania, then her husband’s article from Johannesburg)

Stream

Lynsey Peterson likes we want
a Scottish flag on Facebook.

Anna Hammond Сака ли некој
да одиме во парк денес?

Rebecca Grohl commented on her own 
status: Ich bin eigentlich ueberfluess…

Luke Southey is listening to 
Que Veux-Tu by Yell on Spotify. 

Clive Law commented on Peter Meadow’s
status: I always put too much red wine…

Natalie Southey and Ruth Garcia-Lopez
are now friends.

Russell Goodwin OMG!

From my Facebook friends latest activity stream (or whatever that short update column on the right is called) on 17 October 2011. Exactly the order in which they appeared, names altered for privacy. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Never go to a horse race

Who loves a horse race?
Are not too many fond of it?
Does it not lead to many evils,
and to frequent ruin?
Never go to a horse race.

Mr. Mix had one child,
whom he called Irene;
he had also a good farm,
and some money.

He went to the races with his child,
dressed in black crape for the loss of her mother.
Here Mr. Mix drank freely,
and bet largely,
and lost all he was worth.

At night he went home a beggar;
took a dose of brandy,
and died before morning,
leaving his child a pennyless orphan.
Never go to a horse race.

From The Clinton Primer, 1830, via Futility Closet. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Brooklyn, Brooklyn

You live very self-consciously, in Brooklyn.
Do you drink juice or coffee or eat vegetables?
How do you live with yourself
and your bourgeois lifestyle choices?
Have you ever grown a plant?

You monster, you
gentrifying Brooklyn monster.

Your plant is a symbol.
Punch that up on your sushi iPhone app
where you get your food from
in your new robot Brooklyn dystopia,
you invasive specie.

Do you like quirky things?

It’s people like you
who are ruining the Brooklyn remembered
by old folks who sit on stoops
and provide readily available sound bites
about the days of old.

From the article Brooklyn is cool until you start reading about it in Gawker. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

You just can’t pitch behind

I had my at ‘em ball going today.
We’ve got to have fun. The catcher and I
were on the same wavelength. That’s why they pay
him x million dollars. Give the guy

some credit; he hit a good pitch. Yes. No.
You saw it … write it. You’re only as good
as your last game. I just wanted to go
as hard as I could as long as I could.

That All-Star voting is a joke. It takes
twenty-four players. I couldn’t have done it
without my teammates. With a couple breaks,
we win that game. I don’t get paid to hit.

Hey, we were due to catch a break or two.
I did my best, and that’s all I can do.

From Futility Closet: ‘In 1990, weary of repetitive interviews, Phillies pitcher Don Carman posted this list of responses on his locker. “You saw the game,” he told reporters. “Take what you need.”’ Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

No Comment

A large percentage of what you claim
happens to be astonishingly accurate
and it makes me ponder why I hadn’t
looked at this in this light previously.

This article really did turn the light
on for me as far as this specific
subject goes. But there is one point I am
not necessarily too cozy with

so whilst I make an effort to reconcile
that with the main theme of your point, permit
me to see exactly what all the rest
of your visitors have to point out.

A spam comment from the blog SmyWord. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Bunny Mother

1

Bunnies are not permitted
to chew gum or eat while on duty.
Bunnies are not permitted
to drink alcoholic beverages
in the Club at any time.
Bunnies are not permitted
to drink soft drinks, lemonade
or even water in view of keyholders
and guests, but may drink these
nonalcoholic beverages behind the scenes.

Fifty dollars is paid to the finder
for the first Bunny she has referred.
The referred Bunny must be employed
for ninety calendar days.

Seventy-five dollars is paid to the finder
for the second Bunny she has referred …
Referred Bunny must be employed
for ninety calendar days.

One hundred dollars is paid to the finder
for the third Bunny she has referred …
Referred Bunny must be employed
for ninety calendar days.

Bunnies will keep the dressing room clean
and neat at all times.

2

General Manager, he’s head man of your hutch.
Bunny Mother, she’ll hire and train you,
coordinate your hours and supervise your work.

Overstaying break
(for each minute over limit),
one demerit (per minute).

Five to ten minutes, five demerits.
Eleven to fifteen minutes, six demerits.
Sixteen to twenty minutes, seven demerits.

Improper Appearance, such as:
unkept hair, improper makeup
(including too pale lipstick),
improper costume, unmatched
or shabby shoes, dirty
or unpolished fingernails,
five demerits.

Bunny ears not worn in center of head,
bent incorrectly, reporting without nameplate,
penlight, lighter or cash for cigarettes,
bikini panties showing or not worn,
unkept tail,
five demerits.

Bad Service, Improper Procedure, such as:
Not doing Bunny Dip,
not keeping tables clean,
not changing ashtrays,
five demerits.

Improper Conduct, such as:
Drinking any liquid in view of patrons,
chewing gum or eating in view of patrons,
infingement of smoking rules,
ten demerits.

Failure to attend Bunny Meeting,
twenty-five demerits.

The accumulation of thirty-five demerits
results in a personal interview
with the Bunny Mother.

3

Do arrive on time and look
your loveliest with your hair styled,
your nails freshly manicured
and your Bunny costume clean.

Do smile and be personable
to all those with whom you come into contact
during a promotional appearance.

Do stay in the company of a mixed
group, a couple or chaperone at all times.

Don’t date the sponsor
of a promotion or someone
you meet at this promotion
while you are at a given promotion
for the specific promotional assignment.

Don’t allow yourself to be
in a situation where complications arise.

Although we do not in any way try
to control your behaviour away from the club,
you must always conduct yourself
in a manner that can only bring credit
to your job and the other Bunnies
with whom you work.

(twist, watusi, bugaloo, etc
are examples of acceptable dances)

If you are doing a good job,
obeying the rules and giving
the gracious good service you are taught,
you need not concern yourself
about the fact that you are
from time to time shopped
by a shopping service representative.

Insubordination, fifteen demerits.

4

IN ALL CASES WHEN A BUNNY IS SMOKING
SHE IS TO TAKE A PUFF AND SET
THE CIGARETTE IN AN ASHTRAY.
BUNNIES ARE NOT TO STAND OR SIT
HOLDING A CIGARETTE.

5

Good grooming starts with a daily bath
and good deodorant.

It is up to each Bunny to make sure
that a situation never occurs when
she does not have a clean, well fitting costume
including matching ears and shoes, clean
and fluffy cottontail, immaculate cuffs and collar,
proper hose, regulation undergarments,
Playboy cuff links, nameplate and bow tie.

Wigs and hair-pieces
can be a Bunny’s best friend.

Keep in mind that our dimly lit rooms require
evening, glamour makeup for maximum flattery.
Skillful eye makeup includes the use
of shadow, liner and false lashes;
lipstick must be bright, vivid and highlighted
by lip-gloss to avoid a washed-out look.

Hose should be rinsed in cold water
and refrigerated before wearing
for extra service. To relieve tired feet,
soak them in a solution of epsom salt
and warm water for one half hour,
then elevate feet. Massage your legs
with an upward motion from ankles to thighs.
Try rolling your feet over an empty coke bottle.
Arch your back during costume fitting
for best possible fit.

The Bunny Mother has an open-door policy
and is always happy to talk with you.

Taken from The Playboy Club Bunny Manual, 1968. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

My Name Is

Hugh
Blue,
president. Jesse
Lesse,
Boston. Merry
Berry,
Chicago. Max
Wax,
Chicago. Della
Stella
Serritella,
Chicago. Hollie
Jolley,
San Bernardino.

Jane
Cane,
Wheaton.
Newton
Hooton,
Cambridge. Dick
Vick
and his son Dick
Junior, San Diego.
Kenny
Tenny
and his daughter Penny,
San Francisco.

Some of the members of the My-Name-Is-A-Poem Club, founded by journalist EV Durling in the 1940s. Found on Futility Closet. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.