St Agnes Smooth and Creamy

St Agnes
smooth and creamy with bananas
to the fore in aroma and taste.
Smoky malt overtones subside as
increasing bitterness dominates.

Comrade Bill Bartram’s Egalitarian
Anti-Imperialist Soviet Stout –

a bold and tasty Russian stout
with a mouthfilling, airy texture
and a lot of enjoyable, peppery,
bitter chocolate flavours.

Ported Porter –
an old-style porter.
Smooth and creamy,
spiked with port to
give it the flavour
of dark berries.

Eight Hundred Years of Innovation –
gruit ale, sweet gale, wormwood,
caraway and wild rosemary are used
to flavour this ale. It is said gruit ale
stimulates the mind, creates
euphoria and enhances sexual drive.

Golden Shower –
sorry, no tasting notes available.

Ales and their tasting notes from the 36th Cambridge Beer Festival Programme.

A Prayer for Skeletons

1.

Father, thank you for today.
Thank you that you made us
and that you love us.

I pray that Theo and Huxley
won’t be afraid of anything:
not monsters or dinosaurs,
noises or the dark,
aliens or skeletons
(or pirates),
school or nursery.

Or anything they’ve read in a book
or seen in a film.

I pray that they will sleep really well
and have good dreams not bad dreams.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

2.

You didn’t say pirates
I did say pirates.
You didn’t say skeletons
I did say skeletons.

You didn’t say football club
You’re not scared of football club.
I am. You’re not going to football club
for another four sleeps.

You didn’t say nursery
I did but just for you,
help him not be scared of nursery
amen now go to sleep.

The prayer my sons make me say every night before bed, and the typical conversation that ensues.

The Pipes O’ Bladnoch

Intermediate spirit receiver
Cool wash into still
Wash to heat exchanger
Warm wash into still

Spent lees
Pot ale out
Pot ale in
Pot ale out

Warmed wash to wash still
Pot ale through heat exchanger
Pot ale from still
Pot ale out to effluent tanks

Pot ale from still
Pot ale out
Pot ale in
Pot ale out

Words written on the pipes at Bladnoch whisky distillery. Visited April 2009.

Agoraphobia Bites

I started to feel like
something was pushing me
down into the ground and I just freaked out.

So I grabbed the bairns and
said we’ve got to go home.
I felt like everything was just closing

in on me I thought I
was dying. I heard the
bairns in the garden playing in the snow

and I got angry with myself
and I thought I’m missing out on them.
So I slowly sidled

to the edge of the bed,
crawled on my hands and knees to the window
and looked out all wide-eyed.

One of the bairns looked up
and waved and said ‘there’s mam’ I said ‘hi son’
and shot back into bed.

The words of Sue Curtis in Woman Leaves House After 20 Years.

The Love Song of I. Buprofen

If you suffer from any of the following
at any time during your treatment
stop taking the medicine and seek
immediate medical help:

Pass blood in your faeces.
Pass black tarry stools.
Vomit any blood or dark particles
that look like coffee grounds.
Develop a stiff neck, headache, nausea,
vomiting, fever and disorientation.

Stop taking the medicine and
tell your doctor if you experience:

Indigestion or heartburn.
Abdominal pains (pains in your stomach)
or other abnormal stomach symptoms.
Asthma, shortness of breath, skin rash,
itching or swelling of the face and tongue.

Fever, sore throat, mouth ulcers,
flu-like symptoms, severe exhaustion,
unexplained bleeding or bruising.

Other side effects that some patients
have had with ibuprofen include:

Stomach discomfort,
diarrhoea,
flatulence (wind),
constipation,
headache, dizziness,
vertigo, tinnitus

(ringing in the ears),

fluid retention,
high blood pressure,
visual disturbances,
feeling unwell,
tiredness and drowsiness,
sleeping problems,
nervousness, numbness
and tingling,

confusion, hallucinations and depression,
swelling of the feet and occasionally
blistering or flaking of the skin.

It has been known for Ibuprofen
to cause gastro-intestinal disturbances
such as abdominal pain, nausea,
vomiting or ulcers. Ibuprofen
can make colitis and Crohn’s disease worse.

Very rarely,
blood in the urine,
kidney damage or
even failure,
liver damage
(including jaundice,
with yellowing of
the skin or eyes),
blood disorders or
sensitivity
to light may occur.

Some patients with
auto-immune disorders
(such as lupus)
have experienced a
kind of meningitis
(inflammation
of the brain) with
symptoms such as
stiff neck, headache,
nausea, vomiting,
fever or disorientation.

If you experience any other
unusual or unexpected symptoms
which persist or are troublesome,
consult your doctor or pharmacist.

If you experience
dizziness, drowsiness,
tiredness or problems with vision,
do not drive or
operate machinery.

Medicines such as Ibuprofen
tablets may be associated with
a small risk of heart attack
(“myocardial infarction”)

or stroke.

From the Patient Information Leaflet for Ibuprofen Tablets BP 200mg, bought from the Co-op last week.

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Text from a spam email, 2004.

Subject: hi hi

i wonder if this will get to you, just
finished a 10am supervision and
did no work yet God gave me all this
clever stuff to say, me likes when
dat happens, it was on pidgins and creoles,
he he … prayer meet was good

for me when it is a hard prayer meeting
i enjoy it even more cos i just
say no way devil we are gonna pray v you
agagagagaggagagga my
latest idea stroke revelation is
that i wanna march round the market square

i have no real evidence why but i
think He has told me to do it, there was
an attack on a lesbian there and there
are normally a few fights in that area that is
probably not the worst area of town but that
does not mean it should not be done

…. hmm ask God and tell me what you fink

the ball is tonight with chocolate yummie,
last night was great i spoke on nehemiah
and said everything i needed to, i like
teaching it is cool and the word will now
produce the fruit and vision intended …
yeah yeah! These prayer meetings are so organic

and we are being taught how to do it
regularly I like to see things grow
and develop … we had brekky at King’s,
when are you free cos i wanna spend time
with you outside meetings?
how is your ikea house going?

i will pop in today and see it maybe

An email from a student friend, 2001.

Modern Life

Scientific researches determined
that
the main reason of family conflicts
is
hidden in the sex relations.

Modern life doesn’t leave energy till night,
so
bigger part of male population
can’t
satisfy their wives.

But you

An entire email spam message, 2009.