Someone Wrote You Message

Look at this glorious shit. Chinese
community lived on skyscraper roofs,
people for sale in Miami, one more
president killed. How can you explain it?

Revolt in Mexico. Person is missing –
problems with sending – didn’t receive
anything. See that girl anywhere?
Can you fix it? Tell me what happened?

Surprise. What I learned: found your mistake,
caught you on camera, all dates of meetings –
he – I recorded your voice. I found your
task. Jolie cut her face, make her your queen

forever. Chief asks for you – sending you
delivery boy, oh you are lucky.
Let’s make a barbecue on a weekend,
flush up to fifteen pounds of waste and toxins

from your body. See you there, address
attached. Where was your mind? You were great.
You were banned. Something strange happens to
everyone. Someone wrote you message.

A compilation of email subject lines from my spam folder over the last month.

To Bumble Beer

Simply the Best, The Bee’s Knees,
Eight Hundred Years of Innovation;
William Wilberforce Freedom Ale,
Eight Hundred Years of Inspiration.

Jack’s Revenge, Geronimo, Polly’s Folly, Oscar Wilde,
Nelson’s Revenge, Tally Ho!, Nero, Black Dog Freddy Mild.
Merry Andrew, Happy Jack, Prometheus, Sir Roger’s Porter,
Edwin Taylor’s Extra Stout, Betty Stogs, Gunner’s Daughter.

Cock ‘n’ Bull story, Mutt’s Nuts, Straw Dog, Stoat,
Golden Newt, Sly Fox, White Hart, Old Goat,
Curlew’s Return, Black Dog Mild, Double Swan, Porker’s Snout,
Funky Monkey, Whapweasel, Marmalade Cat, Oyster Stout.

Porta Porta, Salem Porter,
Black Jack Porter, Aviator;
Rivet Catcher, Umbel Magna
Golden Plover, Silver Adder;
Cornish Knocker, Spingo Bragget
Broadside, Spingo Jubilee;
Kellyhopter, Maritime, Frigate,
Wherry, Village Bike, Maybee…

Nyewood Gold, Somerland Gold, Golden Lance, Dark O,
Shackler’s Gold, Halzephron Gold, Golden Shower, Nero.
Honey Blonde, Sunchaser Blonde, Blonde Bombshell, Loveley’s Fair,
Lakeland Red, Kingston Black, Dark Ruby, Ginger Bear.

Polar Eclipse, Stormwatch, Spooky Moon, Storm Force,
Polar Star, Impy Dark, Dark Forest, Golden Gorse;
Lost in the Woods, Armageddon, Pendle Witches’ Brew,
Flying Serpent, Red Dragon, Iron Bridge Brew.

Elderquad, Agincourt, Danish Dynamite,
Scapa special, Chawden Aur, Chocolate Orange Delight.
Elderfizz, Shacklebush, Mad Monk, Pioneer,
Welterweight, Slumberjack, Pi, Bumble Beer.

Beer names (and three ciders) from the 36th Cambridge Beer Festival Programme, May 2009.

The Pipes O’ Bladnoch

Intermediate spirit receiver
Cool wash into still
Wash to heat exchanger
Warm wash into still

Spent lees
Pot ale out
Pot ale in
Pot ale out

Warmed wash to wash still
Pot ale through heat exchanger
Pot ale from still
Pot ale out to effluent tanks

Pot ale from still
Pot ale out
Pot ale in
Pot ale out

Words written on the pipes at Bladnoch whisky distillery. Visited April 2009.

Agoraphobia Bites

I started to feel like
something was pushing me
down into the ground and I just freaked out.

So I grabbed the bairns and
said we’ve got to go home.
I felt like everything was just closing

in on me I thought I
was dying. I heard the
bairns in the garden playing in the snow

and I got angry with myself
and I thought I’m missing out on them.
So I slowly sidled

to the edge of the bed,
crawled on my hands and knees to the window
and looked out all wide-eyed.

One of the bairns looked up
and waved and said ‘there’s mam’ I said ‘hi son’
and shot back into bed.

The words of Sue Curtis in Woman Leaves House After 20 Years.