Elegy from an Opposition

For every child who instead of being cooped up in a small flat
is playing in a brand new children’s centre
—that is Gordon’s legacy.

For every patient who is treated in a brand new hospital,
instead of suffering on a waiting list
—that is Gordon’s legacy.

And for every person in an African village
whose life has been transformed by the cancellation of world debt
—that is Gordon’s legacy
and it is our legacy too.

We can be proud of what Gordon has done
and thank him from the bottom of our hearts.

From a Labour party email, 12th May 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.

In the Vegetable Orchestra

Then, let’s introduce
the vegetable musical instruments
that can have been done this time.

It is a carrot ocarina first. And,
it is an ocarina of a white radish
in Japan that can have done this time.

The broccoli ocarina was made.
A good sound was not heard because
only such a broccoli was obtained this time.

And, a carrot ocarina of the slide type.
When the breath is put here,
something is heard. It shaped … so …

The paprika was punctured.
When the breath is put here,
such a sound is heard. It is an owl.

Similarly asparagus panpipe was made.
However, a good sound is not heard.
It is a trumpet of the cucumber

and the paprika in the end. There were
musical instruments that looked
alike also in the vegetable orchestra.

Subtitles on YouTube video Introduction of handmade vegetable musical instruments. Suggested by Jason Davies.

A thousand kim

Police, police, Henry and Frankie.
Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he
is happy he doesn’t get snappy.

I am a pretty good pretzler.
Winifred. Department of Justice.
I even get it from the department.

Please, I had nothing with him.
He was a cowboy in one
of the seven-days-a-week fight.

There are only ten of us. There ten million
fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up
and we will throw up the truce flag.

No payrolls, no walls, no coupons.
That would be entirely out.
Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing.

The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears
were in trouble and I broke it up.
A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim.

Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends
and Hitler’s commander. I am sure and I am going up
and I am going to give you honey if I can.

I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up.
They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes.
Give me something. I am so sick.

I will settle the indictment. Come on,
open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps.
Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth!

Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over
here. French-Canadian bean soup.
I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

The final words of New York gangster Dutch Shultz, dying from a gunshot wound, 1935.

I want to

I want to die.

I want to break free
lyrics. I want to be anorexic.

I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want
to be a model.

I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
to know what love is

lyrics. I want
to get pregnant.

Google autosuggestions for the search term ‘I want to’, September 2009.

Poems from the Menu Bar #1

Illustrator/View

Preview overprint,
preview pixel, preview.
Proof setup, proof,
colors zoom in, zoom.

Out fit in window,
actual size. Hide edges,
hide artboard, hide,
page tiling show.

Slices lock, slices,
show template, show,
rulers hide bounding box,
show transparency grid.

Show text threads,
guides smart, guides.
Show grid, snap to grid,
snap to point new:

View edit, views.

Adobe Illustrator ‘View’ menu, October 2009.

Tick Tock

In Nineteen hundred and three
Benjamin Ginsberg,
–the founder of rooibos tea–

rode into the remote Cedarberg Mountains
in the Cape and found farmers
making a rough brew from a wild plant.

Using traditional tea curing
techniques he perfected
–this delicious tea–

now enjoyed round the world.
Today his family continues
–their unbroken rooibos tea–

tradition from Nineteen hundred and three.
Tick Tock tea is still made
to his original specifications.

Gentle and soothing, rooibos tea
is well known for its many health properties.
–Naturally caffeine free–

Tick Tock can be enjoyed by the whole family
at any time of day, or as the ideal
bedtime drink. And it is high

in antioxidants that can help protect
your immune system against free
radicals. Organically grown,

–Tick Tock rooibos tea–
is still harvested by hand and cured
naturally in the clear Cedarberg air.

From the side of a Tick Tock 80 tea bags box. Submitted by Amy.

Dissertation and Independence

The problem of ‘ideology’ and ‘politics’
influencing statistics
affects not only their reliability
and validity
but also their availability.

In some cases this problem was insurmountable,
and statistics on, for example,
the number of young asylum seekers,
were simply not available;
the discussion section deals with this.

However, rather than allow the availability
of statistics – a political issue –
to shape which variables
I chose to present
data on, I felt a moral

imperative to present the findings with ‘gaps’
since, in any case, the gaps
in these statistics spoke perhaps
more, than the statistics
which were available.

Excerpt from my 2009 dissertation. Submitted by Emma.

The Top Ten Weirdest

The top ten weirdest
and funniest
Japanese condoms.
Ten ways to have fun
with boobs.

Fifteen ads that prove
sex sells … best? Thirteen
haunted houses
that will make you
wet your pants. Girls

get the anime look
with extra-wide
contact lenses. Fresh
baked bread, anyone?
Gruesome body bakery.

Fifteen strange
and bizarre gifts
for the weirdos
in your life. World’s first
eyeball tattoo – ouch!

Ten types of women
you need to avoid.
The top ten
weird and bizarre
Japanese soft drinks.

Top 10 all-time most popular articles on inventorspot.com, as of 13 August 2009.

Thought and Jocularity

When I was twelve, I was interviewed by
a doctoral candidate in
education and asked what I wanted
to be when I grew up.

I said that I wanted either to be
a philosopher or a clown,
and I understood then, I think that much
depended on whether or not

I found the world worth philosophising
about, and what the price of
seriousness might be. I was not sure I
wanted to be a philosopher,

and I confess that I have never quite
overcome that doubt.

From ‘Undoing Gender’ by Judith Butler (London: Routledge 2004), p234. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Strangulation By Any Other Name

Tenir ce sac et sa poignée
hors de portée des bébés et enfants
pour éviter tout risque d’étouffement.

Plastiktüte und Gryff von Babys und Kindern
fernhalten, um Erstickungs – und
Erdrosselungsgefahr zu vermeiden.

Per evitare rischi di soffocamento
o strangolamento, tenere questa busta di plastica
fuori della portata del bambini.

För att undvika risk för kvävning
och strypning, förvara plast
och handtag utom räckhåll för barn.

Tukehtumis – taikka kuristumisriskin
välttämiseksi on muovipakkaus ja kahva
säilytettävä lasten ulottumattomissa.

To avoid danger of suffocation
and strangulation keep this plastic bag
and handle away from babies and children.

Warning on the side of a packet of Pampers nappies.