£87.88

FINEST HAM, FINEST HAM
FINEST CHICKEN, BONNE MAMAN
DOMESTOS, WHITE GRAPES
TOMATO PUREE, RAZOR BLADES

MUNCH BUNCH, MUNCH BUNCH
CHOC DIGESTIVE, CASHEW NUTS
BRAEBURN APPLE, PEAR HALVES
GALIA MELON, WHLE NUT BAR

TOOTHBRUSH, TOOTHBRUSH
ACTIVIA YOGHURT, HAND WASH
KETTLE CHIPS, SOFT CHEESE
TRACKER BARS, CLEMENTINES

CANDLE BULBS, CANDLE BULBS
SPONTEX PADS, CALPOL
CASE&SON BACON
VALUE K/TOWEL, SHAVING FOAM

FRUBES
DETTOL 500ML
BISCUITS
PAMPERS
CARRS MELTS
W 800G SEEDED
PASTA SHELLS

DEODORANT, DEODORANT
FRST SHREDDIES, FRESH MILK
BAKED BEANS, TUNA STEAKS
CHOC BISCUITS, AFTER EIGHTS

MEATBALLS, MEATBALLS
RICH TEA BISC, CEREAL
R/BERRY CONSVE, FRENCH FRIES
FRUBES POUCH, TOILET WIPES

An entire Tesco receipt, 4 October 2010.

Legendary Tales of Your Sausage

Get a longer and more robust pole,
Grow your organ into a monster.
Big d1cks get all the chicks;
Your long and hard rod will please her.

Get more length, girth and hardness,
Impress your huge size on her;
Make your underpants bulge today,
Give her the best experience ever.

Better sex with organ pills:
You will reach far deeper inside her.
Bang her till she passes out,
Bang her longer and harder.

Surprise everyone with your increased length,
Cumming has never been stronger.
Be the man every woman desires:
This will make you longer.

Gmail spam subject lines over the last 10 days.

Spectrum

Blue with a hint of your mother.
Jesus Christ, what is with you and green?
What I’m sure was once nice wallpaper
before you stained it with your nicotine.

My dentist’s office orange. I still remember
his dandruff slowly wafting into my gaping jaw.
It’s pink, but not totally pink. It’s purple,
but not totally purple. Sorry for

spazzing earlier, I had a seizure.
White if it had a wine spill on itself and let it dry.
Maybe a half hour before the first stars
start showing up in the night sky.

Red as the cute boy to my right’s hoodie.
I’m sorry for polluting your stats.
That awful color, that forever remains a reminder
grandma needs to be cut off after the third glass.

Dark red. Velociraptor cloaca.
Shark invested water blue. Unsure-
whether-boy-or-girl baby room color.
Nothing looks like a proper color any more.

Comments in the xkcd survey about identifying colours.

Elegy from an Opposition

For every child who instead of being cooped up in a small flat
is playing in a brand new children’s centre
—that is Gordon’s legacy.

For every patient who is treated in a brand new hospital,
instead of suffering on a waiting list
—that is Gordon’s legacy.

And for every person in an African village
whose life has been transformed by the cancellation of world debt
—that is Gordon’s legacy
and it is our legacy too.

We can be proud of what Gordon has done
and thank him from the bottom of our hearts.

From a Labour party email, 12th May 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.

In the Vegetable Orchestra

Then, let’s introduce
the vegetable musical instruments
that can have been done this time.

It is a carrot ocarina first. And,
it is an ocarina of a white radish
in Japan that can have done this time.

The broccoli ocarina was made.
A good sound was not heard because
only such a broccoli was obtained this time.

And, a carrot ocarina of the slide type.
When the breath is put here,
something is heard. It shaped … so …

The paprika was punctured.
When the breath is put here,
such a sound is heard. It is an owl.

Similarly asparagus panpipe was made.
However, a good sound is not heard.
It is a trumpet of the cucumber

and the paprika in the end. There were
musical instruments that looked
alike also in the vegetable orchestra.

Subtitles on YouTube video Introduction of handmade vegetable musical instruments. Suggested by Jason Davies.

A thousand kim

Police, police, Henry and Frankie.
Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he
is happy he doesn’t get snappy.

I am a pretty good pretzler.
Winifred. Department of Justice.
I even get it from the department.

Please, I had nothing with him.
He was a cowboy in one
of the seven-days-a-week fight.

There are only ten of us. There ten million
fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up
and we will throw up the truce flag.

No payrolls, no walls, no coupons.
That would be entirely out.
Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing.

The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears
were in trouble and I broke it up.
A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim.

Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends
and Hitler’s commander. I am sure and I am going up
and I am going to give you honey if I can.

I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up.
They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes.
Give me something. I am so sick.

I will settle the indictment. Come on,
open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps.
Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth!

Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over
here. French-Canadian bean soup.
I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

The final words of New York gangster Dutch Shultz, dying from a gunshot wound, 1935.

I want to

I want to die.

I want to break free
lyrics. I want to be anorexic.

I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want
to be a model.

I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
to know what love is

lyrics. I want
to get pregnant.

Google autosuggestions for the search term ‘I want to’, September 2009.

Poems from the Menu Bar #1

Illustrator/View

Preview overprint,
preview pixel, preview.
Proof setup, proof,
colors zoom in, zoom.

Out fit in window,
actual size. Hide edges,
hide artboard, hide,
page tiling show.

Slices lock, slices,
show template, show,
rulers hide bounding box,
show transparency grid.

Show text threads,
guides smart, guides.
Show grid, snap to grid,
snap to point new:

View edit, views.

Adobe Illustrator ‘View’ menu, October 2009.

Tick Tock

In Nineteen hundred and three
Benjamin Ginsberg,
–the founder of rooibos tea–

rode into the remote Cedarberg Mountains
in the Cape and found farmers
making a rough brew from a wild plant.

Using traditional tea curing
techniques he perfected
–this delicious tea–

now enjoyed round the world.
Today his family continues
–their unbroken rooibos tea–

tradition from Nineteen hundred and three.
Tick Tock tea is still made
to his original specifications.

Gentle and soothing, rooibos tea
is well known for its many health properties.
–Naturally caffeine free–

Tick Tock can be enjoyed by the whole family
at any time of day, or as the ideal
bedtime drink. And it is high

in antioxidants that can help protect
your immune system against free
radicals. Organically grown,

–Tick Tock rooibos tea–
is still harvested by hand and cured
naturally in the clear Cedarberg air.

From the side of a Tick Tock 80 tea bags box. Submitted by Amy.

Dissertation and Independence

The problem of ‘ideology’ and ‘politics’
influencing statistics
affects not only their reliability
and validity
but also their availability.

In some cases this problem was insurmountable,
and statistics on, for example,
the number of young asylum seekers,
were simply not available;
the discussion section deals with this.

However, rather than allow the availability
of statistics – a political issue –
to shape which variables
I chose to present
data on, I felt a moral

imperative to present the findings with ‘gaps’
since, in any case, the gaps
in these statistics spoke perhaps
more, than the statistics
which were available.

Excerpt from my 2009 dissertation. Submitted by Emma.