Author: gabrielsmy

UKIP Weather Forecast: It’s Raining Men

A morning kiss between two consenting adults
will lead to drizzle on higher ground.
An area of blame will move in from the east
before drifting away and settling over Brussels.
Dark clouds are forming over the Midlands
following voluntary sexual intercourse
between two unmarried persons.
Temperatures will plummet as a result
of a man in Cumbria enthusiastically browsing
through a home furnishings catalogue.
The early sunshine in the Cotswolds
has been replaced by cloud after a man
spent a suspiciously long time grooming his facial hair.
The sun makes a brief appearance
after John Barrowman stubs his toe
on the corner of a wardrobe.

Compiled from tweets by @UkipWeather in response to UKIP Councillor David Silvester’s remarks linking bad weather to same-sex marriage. Submitted by Angi Holden.

Typo in a Dead Language

The scene is in a synagogue,
but the word probably has nothing to do with religion.
It seems that the butchers in town
were either at fault, or the ones faulted.
Something about meat being sent out of the shtetl,
and the butchers collecting money.
Those protesting in half-mumbled sentences
end their words with “kupkes kupkes”
or possibly “kuFkes kuFkes.”
I don’t see how hats or head-coverings would be involved,
unless it was somehow used as a symbol of protest
(maybe something “socialist,” like waving the flag,
or similar to the Bund motto: sher un ayzn [scissors and iron])
or something like throwing down a gauntlet
(in this case a hat – maybe like the Muslims throw shoes)
or used as a swear word or curse…
and someone else suggested a typo (twice?).

(Discussion about the Yiddish word ‘kupkes’ on Mendele (vol23011.txt). Submitted by Howie Good)

Ha-Ha

The force of laughing can dislocate jaws,
prompt asthma attacks,
cause headaches, make hernias protrude.

It can provoke cardiac arrhythmia, syncope
or even emphysema (this last,
according to a clinical lecturer in 1892).

Laughter can trigger the rare but possibly grievous
Pilgaard-Dahl and Boerhaave’s syndromes.

There are choking hazards,
such as ingesting food during belly laughs.

We don’t know how much laughter is safe.

There’s probably a U-shaped curve:
laughter is good for you,
but enormous amounts are bad, perhaps.

Taken from Who Says Laughter’s the Best Medicine? in The New York Times, 20 December 2013. Submitted by Howie Good.

Stroke

In case you don’t know me, Hi. Im Diana.
I’m a 30 year old lady.
Itallerthan your average girl,
thinner tha your average girl,
and and active than your average girl.

Yeah I run an ice crea business for a living,
but like to thing
I’m healthier than your average girl too.
No priorn medical history. Nothing.

my first ever ride in an ambulance
was uneventful – the hops;ital
is a 5 minute drive from my folks’ house.

By now I had somehow regained some ability to sspeak
and answered the EMT’s incessant questionsining.
still stuumbling over my words,
even laughin at my mstakes.

(From Bad Year for Boars, an immediate account of suffering a stroke)

It’s a long way to fall from a skittish horse

Horses are not meant to be sat upon.
Too high and fast. Large herbivores –
small brain, strong flight instinct.

The problem here (apart from an approaching rattly lorry,
narrow high-hedged lane, attempted evasive action
and two highly unexpected wheelie bins)
was more the equally small brain,
and total lack of skill or co-ordination,
on the part of the rider.

The lanes are normally very quiet.
We’d mostly been riding in the forest
(though that is full of scary squeaky branches,
suddenly erupting birds, unpredicted falling twigs).
Ah, but those are nature noises.

Machinery represents a threat of a different order:
a parked helicopter,
sabre-toothed bicycles.
And tractors. And buses.

Plastic carrier bags in hedges.
They are the most scary and dangerous of all.
They can eat a horse whole, apparently.

(From the Facebook discussion of some riding enthusiasts. Submitted by Angi Holden)

Act Like a Man

Eddie stayed sceptical. He stretched, threw up his head, yawned, and tested the air with his sensitive nose. A trapped turbulence, as if the wind had solidified. He helped her to her feet. “Come, darling,” he said. “Come.” “You of all people,” the Void communicated. Scanned him with his quick black eyes. The only thing she could make out in the dark was the gravel forecourt in front of the house. “You ain’t talking to me.” He called her back to pay for the cognac. He closed his book and drew out a bleating kid. the cultural context in which it was offered, the phrase “act like a man”.

An online collaborative found poetry experiment, composed of the first line from page 50 (up to the full stop or end of line, whichever came first) in books taken from the shelves of 11 poets around the world. Submitted by Winston Plowes.

Contributors and sources: Winston Plowes, The Five People You Meet in Heaven; Andrea Reiser Perkins, Sequoia; Sonja Johanson, The Future of Ice; Sarah Nichols, ‘O City of Broken Dreams’; Catherine Nichols, Valis; Sherry Steiner, Midnight Cowboy; Laurie Kolp, Inkheart; Jenni B.Baker, The Sound and the Fury; Beth Ayer, The Unbearable Lightness of Being; Sheila Sondik, The Whispering Muse; Mildred Achoch, Raising a modern-day knight.

Madiba

I have walked that long road to freedom.
I have tried not to falter;
I have made missteps along the way.
But I have discovered the secret
that after climbing a great hill,
one only finds that
there are many more hills to climb.

I have taken a moment.

I learned that courage
was not the absence of fear,
but the triumph over it.
The brave man is not
he who does not feel afraid,
but he who conquers that fear.

Taken from a CNN article, “Mandela in his own words“, 26th June 2008. Submitted by Angi Holden.

Those Things Omitted in Masses for the Dead

the Altar is not incensed at the Introit
and the Subdeacon does not kiss
the hand of the Celebrant
nor is the Subdeacon blessed

the Deacon does not request the Blessing
nor does he kiss the hand of the Celebrant
nor are the lights held at the Gospel
nor is the incense carried

the book is not incensed
nor the Celebrant at the end
nor is the book brought to be kissed
the Subdeacon does not hold the Paten

the ministers
when handing something to the Celebrant
do not kiss his hand
nor do they kiss that which they hand to him

the breast is not struck

(From the Rubrics of the Missale Romanum 1962, section XIII. Submitted by Dale Wisely)