He Do The Peppermint in Different Voices

Pure peppermint flowers.
Pepparmyntsblad.
Hojas de menta.
Folhas de hortela-pimenta.
Feuilles de menthe poivree.
Foglie di menta piperita.
Pfefferminze.
Pure Pepermuntbloesem.

From Dr Stuart’s Peppermint Tea, September 2009. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Dissertation and Independence

The problem of ‘ideology’ and ‘politics’
influencing statistics
affects not only their reliability
and validity
but also their availability.

In some cases this problem was insurmountable,
and statistics on, for example,
the number of young asylum seekers,
were simply not available;
the discussion section deals with this.

However, rather than allow the availability
of statistics – a political issue –
to shape which variables
I chose to present
data on, I felt a moral

imperative to present the findings with ‘gaps’
since, in any case, the gaps
in these statistics spoke perhaps
more, than the statistics
which were available.

Excerpt from my 2009 dissertation. Submitted by Emma.

Bagpuss

Once upon a time, not so long ago,
there was a little girl and her name was Emily.
And she had a shop – there it is.It was rather an unusual shop
because it didn’t sell anything.
You see, everything in that shop window
was a thing that somebody had once lost,
and Emily had found,
and brought home to Bagpuss.

Emily’s cat Bagpuss:
the most important –
the most beautiful –
the most magical –
saggy old cloth cat in the whole wide world.

Well now, one day Emily found a thing
and she brought it back to the shop
and put it down in front of Bagpuss
who was in the shop window fast asleep as usual.
But then Emily said some magic words:

Bagpuss, dear Bagpuss,
old fat furry catpuss,
wake up and look at this thing that I bring.
Wake up, be bright,
be golden and light;
Bagpuss, oh hear what I sing.

And Bagpuss was wide awake.
And when Bagpuss wakes up
all his friends wake up too:
the mice on the mouse-organ woke up and
stretched; Madeleine, the rag doll; Gabriel,
the toad; and last of all, Professor Yaffle,
who was a very distinguished old woodpecker.

He climbed down off his bookend and went to see
what it was that Emily had brought.

The voiceover from the beginning of UK children’s TV programme Bagpuss, 1974.

Full Metal Jacket

RORG, 06-04-09

Twenty carts.

:5.56 mm

LIVE!

L18A1

Handle with care.
May cause death.

From the side of a rifle ammo box. Submitted by Rupert (Parachute Regiment).

The Top Ten Weirdest

The top ten weirdest
and funniest
Japanese condoms.
Ten ways to have fun
with boobs.

Fifteen ads that prove
sex sells … best? Thirteen
haunted houses
that will make you
wet your pants. Girls

get the anime look
with extra-wide
contact lenses. Fresh
baked bread, anyone?
Gruesome body bakery.

Fifteen strange
and bizarre gifts
for the weirdos
in your life. World’s first
eyeball tattoo – ouch!

Ten types of women
you need to avoid.
The top ten
weird and bizarre
Japanese soft drinks.

Top 10 all-time most popular articles on inventorspot.com, as of 13 August 2009.

Hose on Charlie’s Nose

Come on Charlie, get ready to be turned on.

I don’t want a hose
on the end of my nose.
I’ll look like an elephant.

O but Charlie, just think,
you’ll be doing a great job.
Your cold water will be cleaning
Button Moon.

Alright Small, just for you.
Go on. Stick it on.

Small, when you’re ready
for Charlie to be turned on
you just call out
and I’ll get soggy cloth.
He spends most of his time
sitting over there in that soap dish.
It’s about time he did some work.

Sorry Captain Large,
I’ve got the other end of the hose
but I don’t know what to do with it.

Get ready to turn him on.
Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

Oh well done Small.
Now you can press the button,
nice and slow.

Oooooh.

Dialogue from Button Moon episode ‘Hose on Charlie’s Nose,’ 1980s.

I Find the College

I find the college…
infinitely the best in the university;
for it is the smallest,
and it is filled with lawyers,
who have lived in the world,
and know how to behave.
Whatever may be said to the contrary,
there is certainly very little
debauchery in this university,
especially among the people of fashion.

Unattributed quotation in The University of Cambridge, an ‘unofficial history produced by the University of Cambridge Board of Continuing Education for the use of participants in its courses’.