Legendary Tales of Your Sausage

Get a longer and more robust pole,
Grow your organ into a monster.
Big d1cks get all the chicks;
Your long and hard rod will please her.

Get more length, girth and hardness,
Impress your huge size on her;
Make your underpants bulge today,
Give her the best experience ever.

Better sex with organ pills:
You will reach far deeper inside her.
Bang her till she passes out,
Bang her longer and harder.

Surprise everyone with your increased length,
Cumming has never been stronger.
Be the man every woman desires:
This will make you longer.

Subject lines picked from my Gmail spam folder in the last 10 days, including the title. What happened to all the innocent spam? Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Meet me in Johannesburg

Honduras, Algeria,
Germany, Nigeria,
USA, Slovenia,
Ivory Coast.

Denmark, Spain, Slovakia,
Ghana, France, South Africa,
Chile, Greece, Australia,
Japan, Mexico.

Cameroon and Uruguay,
Portugal and Paraguay,
Serbia and Italy,
Switzerland.

England and North Korea,
Holland and Argentina,
Brazil and South Korea,
New Zealand.

A cheeky not-exactly-found poem constructed from the 32 teams in the 2010 World Cup, plus conjunctions for scansion. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Application to renew the photo on a driving licence

Be taken of the full head. Be
in sharp focus and clear. Be free
of any reflection
or glare from glasses. Have been taken
in the last month and be a true
likeness of you.
Not have any shadow in it. Be
a colour photo (we
will not accept black and white
photos). Be taken against a light
grey or cream background. Not be
damaged, torn or marked. Be free
from redeye.

Not have anything covering your face.
Not wear a hat or head covering unless
this is for a medical or
religious reason. Be facing for-
ward and looking straight at the camera. Have your
eyes open. Look natural but without expression
(your mouth should be closed, you should not be grinning,
frowning or raising your eyebrows). Not wear
sunglasses, tinted glasses or have your hair
across your eyes. Not wear
glasses if the frames cover your
eyes (we recommend that you remove your

glasses).

These are the standards for UK driving licence photos according to the application form. The first stanza is: ‘Your photo must…’, the second: ‘You must…’. I have changed the list order but nothing else. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Poems from the Menu Bar #2-#4

iPhoto/Photo

Get info,
batch change,
rotate clockwise
rotate counter clockwise.
My rating
duplicate,
move to trash.
Revert to original.

iTunes/View

View as list,

as grid, as cover flow.
View options,

show column browser, show
artwork column,

show genius sidebar. Go
to current song.

Video size visualizer, show

visualizer full screen.

Switch to mini player.

iMovie HD/Markers

Add book, Mark.
Delete book, Mark, delete all.
Book Mark’s previous book, Mark.
Next, book Mark, add chapter.
Mark, er, delete chapter.

Mark, er, show pod.
Cast U R L S.

More poems from the menu bars of software applications on my Mac (after #1 and before #5). The first is arranged identically to the menu, the second has alternative breaks, while the third breaks up words and punctuates liberally. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

The System Eats You

Don’t know if it’s appropriate we go

swimming; you go – where I get inspiration.
I noticed your interest, your picture, few
years ago, used to draw attention.

please please

We haven’t talked a while: share your life goals –
table is here, stop the discrimination.
Party arrangements too wild for you? The

system eats you. Fantastic demonstration.

please pay attention
please be with us
please

Another poem from the subject lines of recent junk email messages in my spam folder (read the first one). I simply take the whole subject lines and put them together with a little additional punctuation. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Tick Tock

In Nineteen hundred and three
Benjamin Ginsberg,
–the founder of rooibos tea–

rode into the remote Cedarberg Mountains
in the Cape and found farmers
making a rough brew from a wild plant.

Using traditional tea curing
techniques he perfected
–this delicious tea–

now enjoyed round the world.
Today his family continues
–their unbroken rooibos tea–

tradition from Nineteen hundred and three.
Tick Tock tea is still made
to his original specifications.

Gentle and soothing, rooibos tea
is well known for its many health properties.
–Naturally caffeine free–

Tick Tock can be enjoyed by the whole family
at any time of day, or as the ideal
bedtime drink. And it is high

in antioxidants that can help protect
your immune system against free
radicals. Organically grown,

–Tick Tock rooibos tea–
is still harvested by hand and cured
naturally in the clear Cedarberg air.

From the side of a Tick Tock 80 tea bags box. Dashes have been added to accentuate the rhymes and phraseology more. Submitted by Amy.

At rest

A nonet

At rest. After much suffering, rest.
Sadly missed. In the midst of life
we are in death. Satisfied
when I awake with thy
likeness. Wife of the
above. Not gone
from love. Thy
will be
done.

I missed a trick yesterday. Having collected all those different length sentiments from gravestones in Histon Road Cemetery, the world was my oyster in terms of (smaller) poetic forms. Instead I banged out this free verse. So here’s a nonet from the same material to make up for it. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Alan to Zoe

Alan, Alfie, Ami,
Benedict, Clementine, Eilidh.
Ethan,
Ewan,
Gemma, Georgia,
Huxley, Isaac, Joseph, Leah,
Liam, Macie, Marika.
Mateus, Matthew,
Muadh, Niuniu,
Pietro,
Risha, Seungji, Shilo.
Tamzin, Taslima, Tyan,
Yonatan.
Zoe.

My son has just started school. This list contains the first names of all his classmates (memorised from their pegs). He’s having trouble remembering them. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Who Are You Looking For?

Who are you looking for?
Penelope Twee –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Penelope Tree?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Penelope Twee.

Who are you looking for?
Gilbert Same –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Gilbert Lee?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Gilbert Same.

Who are you looking for?
John Bob Bobson –
Hmm. Our
name search server seems
to have wandered off.

Who are you looking for?
Wigan Pier –
Sorry, but
you’ve reached your limit
on searches for now.

These are the words, in order, on the Find People page of Twitter and what happened when I entered the names above. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

To Bumble Beer

Simply the Best, The Bee’s Knees,
Eight Hundred Years of Innovation;
William Wilberforce Freedom Ale,
Eight Hundred Years of Inspiration.

Jack’s Revenge, Geronimo, Polly’s Folly, Oscar Wilde,
Nelson’s Revenge, Tally Ho!, Nero, Black Dog Freddy Mild.
Merry Andrew, Happy Jack, Prometheus, Sir Roger’s Porter,
Edwin Taylor’s Extra Stout, Betty Stogs, Gunner’s Daughter.

Cock ‘n’ Bull story, Mutt’s Nuts, Straw Dog, Stoat,
Golden Newt, Sly Fox, White Hart, Old Goat,
Curlew’s Return, Black Dog Mild, Double Swan, Porker’s Snout,
Funky Monkey, Whapweasel, Marmalade Cat, Oyster Stout.

Porta Porta, Salem Porter,
Black Jack Porter, Aviator;
Rivet Catcher, Umbel Magna
Golden Plover, Silver Adder;
Cornish Knocker, Spingo Bragget
Broadside, Spingo Jubilee;
Kellyhopter, Maritime, Frigate,
Wherry, Village Bike, Maybee…

Nyewood Gold, Somerland Gold, Golden Lance, Dark O,
Shackler’s Gold, Halzephron Gold, Golden Shower, Nero.
Honey Blonde, Sunchaser Blonde, Blonde Bombshell, Loveley’s Fair,
Lakeland Red, Kingston Black, Dark Ruby, Ginger Bear.

Polar Eclipse, Stormwatch, Spooky Moon, Storm Force,
Polar Star, Impy Dark, Dark Forest, Golden Gorse;
Lost in the Woods, Armageddon, Pendle Witches’ Brew,
Flying Serpent, Red Dragon, Iron Bridge Brew.

Elderquad, Agincourt, Danish Dynamite,
Scapa special, Chawden Aur, Chocolate Orange Delight.
Elderfizz, Shacklebush, Mad Monk, Pioneer,
Welterweight, Slumberjack, Pi, Bumble Beer.

A list of beer names (and three ciders – can you spot them?) from the Thirty-Sixth Cambridge Beer Festival Programme, May 2009. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.