Legendary Tales of Your Sausage

Get a longer and more robust pole,
Grow your organ into a monster.
Big d1cks get all the chicks;
Your long and hard rod will please her.

Get more length, girth and hardness,
Impress your huge size on her;
Make your underpants bulge today,
Give her the best experience ever.

Better sex with organ pills:
You will reach far deeper inside her.
Bang her till she passes out,
Bang her longer and harder.

Surprise everyone with your increased length,
Cumming has never been stronger.
Be the man every woman desires:
This will make you longer.

Gmail spam subject lines over the last 10 days.

Meet me in Johannesburg

Honduras, Algeria,
Germany, Nigeria,
USA, Slovenia,
Ivory Coast.

Denmark, Spain, Slovakia,
Ghana, France, South Africa,
Chile, Greece, Australia,
Japan, Mexico.

Cameroon and Uruguay,
Portugal and Paraguay,
Serbia and Italy,
Switzerland.

England and North Korea,
Holland and Argentina,
Brazil and South Korea,
New Zealand.

The 32 teams in the FIFA 2010 World Cup.

Application to renew the photo on a driving licence

Be in sharp focus and clear.
Be taken of the full head. Not wear

glasses if the frames cover your eyes. Be
a colour photo (we

will not accept black and white).
Be taken against a light

grey or cream background. Not be
damaged, torn or marked. Be free

from redeye. Be facing for-
ward and looking straight. Have your

eyes open. Be free of any reflection or glare.
Not wear sunglasses, or have your hair

across your eyes. Be a true
likeness of you.

From the standards for UK driving licence photos according to the application form.

The System Eats You

Don’t know if it’s appropriate we go
swimming; you go – where I get inspiration.
I noticed your interest, your picture, few
years ago, used to draw attention.

please please

We haven’t talked a while: share your life goals –
table is here, stop the discrimination.
Party arrangements too wild for you?
The system eats you. Fantastic demonstration.

please pay attention
please be with us
please

Subject lines of recent junk email messages.

Tick Tock

In Nineteen hundred and three
Benjamin Ginsberg,
–the founder of rooibos tea–

rode into the remote Cedarberg Mountains
in the Cape and found farmers
making a rough brew from a wild plant.

Using traditional tea curing
techniques he perfected
–this delicious tea–

now enjoyed round the world.
Today his family continues
–their unbroken rooibos tea–

tradition from Nineteen hundred and three.
Tick Tock tea is still made
to his original specifications.

Gentle and soothing, rooibos tea
is well known for its many health properties.
–Naturally caffeine free–

Tick Tock can be enjoyed by the whole family
at any time of day, or as the ideal
bedtime drink. And it is high

in antioxidants that can help protect
your immune system against free
radicals. Organically grown,

–Tick Tock rooibos tea–
is still harvested by hand and cured
naturally in the clear Cedarberg air.

From the side of a Tick Tock 80 tea bags box. Submitted by Amy.

At rest

A nonet

At rest. After much suffering, rest.
Sadly missed. In the midst of life
we are in death. Satisfied
when I awake with thy
likeness. Wife of the
above. Not gone
from love. Thy
will be
done.

From gravestones in Histon Road Cemetery, Cambridge, UK.

Alan to Zoe

Alan, Alfie, Ami,
Benedict, Clementine, Eilidh.
Ethan,
Ewan,
Gemma, Georgia,
Huxley, Isaac, Joseph, Leah,
Liam, Macie, Marika.
Mateus, Matthew,
Muadh, Niuniu,
Pietro,
Risha, Seungji, Shilo.
Tamzin, Taslima, Tyan,
Yonatan.
Zoe.

The first names of all my son’s classmates. He’s just started school.

Who Are You Looking For?

Who are you looking for?
Penelope Twee –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Penelope Tree?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Penelope Twee.

Who are you looking for?
Gilbert Same –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Gilbert Lee?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Gilbert Same.

Who are you looking for?
John Bob Bobson –
Hmm. Our
name search server seems
to have wandered off.

Who are you looking for?
Wigan Pier –
Sorry, but
you’ve reached your limit
on searches for now.

Microcopy on the Twitter Find People page when I entered the names above, 2009.

To Bumble Beer

Simply the Best, The Bee’s Knees,
Eight Hundred Years of Innovation;
William Wilberforce Freedom Ale,
Eight Hundred Years of Inspiration.

Jack’s Revenge, Geronimo, Polly’s Folly, Oscar Wilde,
Nelson’s Revenge, Tally Ho!, Nero, Black Dog Freddy Mild.
Merry Andrew, Happy Jack, Prometheus, Sir Roger’s Porter,
Edwin Taylor’s Extra Stout, Betty Stogs, Gunner’s Daughter.

Cock ‘n’ Bull story, Mutt’s Nuts, Straw Dog, Stoat,
Golden Newt, Sly Fox, White Hart, Old Goat,
Curlew’s Return, Black Dog Mild, Double Swan, Porker’s Snout,
Funky Monkey, Whapweasel, Marmalade Cat, Oyster Stout.

Porta Porta, Salem Porter,
Black Jack Porter, Aviator;
Rivet Catcher, Umbel Magna
Golden Plover, Silver Adder;
Cornish Knocker, Spingo Bragget
Broadside, Spingo Jubilee;
Kellyhopter, Maritime, Frigate,
Wherry, Village Bike, Maybee…

Nyewood Gold, Somerland Gold, Golden Lance, Dark O,
Shackler’s Gold, Halzephron Gold, Golden Shower, Nero.
Honey Blonde, Sunchaser Blonde, Blonde Bombshell, Loveley’s Fair,
Lakeland Red, Kingston Black, Dark Ruby, Ginger Bear.

Polar Eclipse, Stormwatch, Spooky Moon, Storm Force,
Polar Star, Impy Dark, Dark Forest, Golden Gorse;
Lost in the Woods, Armageddon, Pendle Witches’ Brew,
Flying Serpent, Red Dragon, Iron Bridge Brew.

Elderquad, Agincourt, Danish Dynamite,
Scapa special, Chawden Aur, Chocolate Orange Delight.
Elderfizz, Shacklebush, Mad Monk, Pioneer,
Welterweight, Slumberjack, Pi, Bumble Beer.

Beer names (and three ciders) from the 36th Cambridge Beer Festival Programme, May 2009.

Tea-hee

Founded in 188-
6, we
are an independent family
business, dedicated to the pleasures of good tea
and coffee.

In every
cup of our tea
you can taste the skill, creativity
and craftsmanship of our tea
blenders. We
visit tea
estates personally
to select only
the finest sea-
sonal hand-plucked teas.

By investing in long term partnerships and paying fair prices, we
are able to make a positive difference to the quality
of our teas

and the lives of the growers.

From the packaging of Taylors of Harrogate Delicate Green Tea, March 2009. Submitted by Marika Rose.