The Mystery of Pittkapples Stone

Mrs. Gordon of Coneregie lies close
to the north dyke near the middle.
Miss Nans Leslie of Pittkapple
lies below Pittkapples stone.

Mr. George Mereson lies
at the south dyke at Mr Reid’s head.
Mr. Reid lies at the south side
of Pitfodle’s stone next to the dyke.

Mrs. Ann Allan or Cambell, wife
of ––– Allan, of the Coast Guard Station, Cove,
was buried second grave,
south of Bishop Grant’s grave.

Mr. John Goodsman, lies in the north
side of Isobel Gordon, close by her.
Mrs. Rankin lies at the head
of Bishop Grant’s, below a stone.

Bishop Grant lies in the middle
of west end of the Pittkapples stone.
For Pittkapples stone read Pittfodle’s.
Miss Wishart lies near the stone in the middle of it.

Mr. Alexander McNab was buried
in the Snow Churchyard with his daughter
in the grave next to Bishop Grant’s
stone on the north side.

James, infant son of Capt. Kyle,
was buried in the Snow Churchyard
in the grave betwixt Pitfodles
and Mr. Massie’s stone.

A child of Mr. McDonald lies
in the grave next to the north dyke
opposite Miss Rankin’s gravestone.
Bishop Geddes lies in Bishop Grant’s grave.

Miss Margaret Cruickshank lies
in the north side of Pittfodle’s stone
close by it. Mrs. Gordon,
his sister lies in his grave.

18th and 19th Century burial records for Snow Churchyard, Aberdeen. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Adventually

Make christmas pictures. Make christmas toy lists.
Ete mints pies. Decorate bedroom and hotel.
Dress up toys. Reef up. Watch mupits christmas
charle. Make Santa’s house out of lego.

Make christmas cards. Christmas tree or read
christmas story. Watch Narnea. Watch Shreck
the holls. An activity scene out.
Dressing gouns on. Deckarate tree. Play games.

Rein dear sweet thing. Dress Atticus up
as Jeses. Make crackers and biscits.
Play in the snow if there is any.
Take pictures of Robings. Sing Rudeof

the red knose Raindear. Put stockings out.
Put mints pies and drink for Santa.

An advent calendar of 24 things to do before Christmas made by my seven-year-old son, with the numbers removed but in his original order. Penned 26 October 2010. Notes: ‘Reef’ means wreath; the ‘Rein dear sweet thing’ is a reindeer-shaped sweet dispenser; Atticus is his baby brother. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Grey on red

The great squirrel, I call it. Lovable,
energetic little bounder that brightens up
any walk in the woods or park.
Not only agile and sweet, but industrious,
planting acorns that grow into mighty oaks.

They didn’t want to come here.
They didn’t swim the Atlantic.
They were brought in, probably reluctantly,
by British gentlemen who thought they’d look cute
in their estate grounds, gardens and deer parks.

Is it their fault the smaller reds took one look,
turned tail, and fled somewhere safer?
Grey squirrels do not physically attack
red squirrels. They don’t even chase them.
They might frighten them a bit, who knows.

The words of ‘Bill Oddie, Wildlife Enthusiast’ accompanying the BBC News article Black squirrels’ slow scamper to dominate, already laid out almost as a poem. 5 October 2010, submitted by Gabriel Smy.

£87.88

FINEST HAM, FINEST HAM
FINEST CHICKEN, BONNE MAMAN
DOMESTOS, WHITE GRAPES
TOMATO PUREE, RAZOR BLADES

MUNCH BUNCH, MUNCH BUNCH
CHOC DIGESTIVE, CASHEW NUTS
BRAEBURN APPLE, PEAR HALVES
GALIA MELON, WHLE NUT BAR

TOOTHBRUSH, TOOTHBRUSH
ACTIVIA YOGHURT, HAND WASH
KETTLE CHIPS, SOFT CHEESE
TRACKER BARS, CLEMENTINES

CANDLE BULBS, CANDLE BULBS
SPONTEX PADS, CALPOL
CASE&SON BACON
VALUE K/TOWEL, SHAVING FOAM

FRUBES
DETTOL 500ML
BISCUITS
PAMPERS
CARRS MELTS
W 800G SEEDED
PASTA SHELLS

DEODORANT, DEODORANT
FRST SHREDDIES, FRESH MILK
BAKED BEANS, TUNA STEAKS
CHOC BISCUITS, AFTER EIGHTS

MEATBALLS, MEATBALLS
RICH TEA BISC, CEREAL
R/BERRY CONSVE, FRENCH FRIES
FRUBES POUCH, TOILET WIPES

Tesco receipt, 4th October 2010. The order is changed, but otherwise every single item purchased is included, and appears exactly as it does on the receipt. Mid-line commas added to keep items discrete. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Legendary Tales of Your Sausage

Get a longer and more robust pole,
Grow your organ into a monster.
Big d1cks get all the chicks;
Your long and hard rod will please her.

Get more length, girth and hardness,
Impress your huge size on her;
Make your underpants bulge today,
Give her the best experience ever.

Better sex with organ pills:
You will reach far deeper inside her.
Bang her till she passes out,
Bang her longer and harder.

Surprise everyone with your increased length,
Cumming has never been stronger.
Be the man every woman desires:
This will make you longer.

Subject lines picked from my Gmail spam folder in the last 10 days, including the title. What happened to all the innocent spam? Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Meet me in Johannesburg


Honduras, Algeria,
Germany, Nigeria,
USA, Slovenia,
Ivory Coast.

Denmark, Spain, Slovakia,
Ghana, France, South Africa,
Chile, Greece, Australia,
Japan, Mexico.

Cameroon and Uruguay,
Portugal and Paraguay,
Serbia and Italy,
Switzerland.

England and North Korea,
Holland and Argentina,
Brazil and South Korea,
New Zealand.



A cheeky not-exactly-found poem constructed from the 32 teams in the 2010 World Cup, plus conjunctions for scansion. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Spectrum

Blue with a hint of your mother.
Unsure-whether-boy-or-girl baby room color.
What I’m sure was once nice wallpaper
before you stained it with your nicotine.

Red as the cute boy to my right’s hoodie.
My dentist’s office orange. I still remember
his dandruff slowly wafting into my gaping jaw.
Jesus Christ, what is with you and green?

Shark invested water blue. Sorry for
spazzing earlier, I had a seizure. Dark red.
Now I’m just getting freaked out.
Nothing looks like a proper color any more.

Maybe a half hour before the first stars start
showing up in the night sky … that awful color,
that forever remains a reminder that grandma
needs to be cut off after the third glass.

It’s pink, but not totally pink,
but it’s purple, but not totally purple.
We are a collaborative ice-cream cone.
The best color in the freakin’ world.

(Comments in a survey about identifying colours)

Elegy from an Opposition

For every child who instead of being cooped up in a small flat
is playing in a brand new children’s centre
– that is Gordon’s legacy.

For every patient who is treated in a brand new hospital,
instead of suffering on a waiting list
– that is Gordon’s legacy.

And for every person in an African village
whose life has been transformed by the cancellation of world debt
– that is Gordon’s legacy
– and it is our legacy too.

We can be proud of what Gordon has done
and thank him from the bottom of our hearts.

From a Labour party email, 12th May 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.

A thousand kim


Police, police, Henry and Frankie.
Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he
is happy he doesn’t get snappy.

I am a pretty good pretzler.
Winifred. Department of Justice.
I even get it from the department.

Please, I had nothing with him.
He was a cowboy in one
of the seven-days-a-week fight.

There are only ten of us. There ten million
fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up
and we will throw up the truce flag.

No payrolls, no walls, no coupons.
That would be entirely out.
Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing.

The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears
were in trouble and I broke it up.
A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim.

Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends
and Hitler’s commander. I am sure and I am going up
and I am going to give you honey if I can.

I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up.
They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes.
Give me something. I am so sick.

I will settle the indictment. Come on,
open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps.
Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth!

Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over
here. French-Canadian bean soup.
I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

These are the last words of New York gangster Dutch Shultz, delivered as he lay dying from a gunshot wound, according to Futility Closet. I removed only one phrase and clipped one other to uphold the form. The last two stanzas are his final words. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

I want to

I want to die.

I want to break free lyrics. I want
to be anorexic.

I want to break free.
I want to be skinny; I want
to be a model.

I want to be thin.
I want to lose weight; I want
to know what love is

lyrics. I want
to get pregnant.
These are the Google automatic suggestions for the search term ‘I want to’, noted back in September, when we published Autosuggestion. This time, the lines have been reset. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.