Poems from the Menu Bar #1

Illustrator/View

Preview overprint,
preview pixel, preview.
Proof setup, proof,
colors zoom in, zoom.

Out fit in window,
actual size. Hide edges,

hide artboard, hide,
page tiling show.

Slices lock, slices,
show template, show,
rulers hide bounding box,
show transparency grid.

Show text threads,
guides smart, guides.
Show grid, snap to grid,
snap to point new:

View edit, views.

The ‘View’ drop down menu from the Adobe Illustrator menu bar on my computer, but with punctuation forced upon it. Submitted by Gabriel Smy. See also Poems from the Menu Bar #2-4 and #5.

Tick Tock

In Nineteen hundred and three
Benjamin Ginsberg,
–the founder of rooibos tea–

rode into the remote Cedarberg Mountains
in the Cape and found farmers
making a rough brew from a wild plant.

Using traditional tea curing
techniques he perfected
–this delicious tea–

now enjoyed round the world.
Today his family continues
–their unbroken rooibos tea–

tradition from Nineteen hundred and three.
Tick Tock tea is still made
to his original specifications.

Gentle and soothing, rooibos tea
is well known for its many health properties.
–Naturally caffeine free–

Tick Tock can be enjoyed by the whole family
at any time of day, or as the ideal
bedtime drink. And it is high

in antioxidants that can help protect
your immune system against free
radicals. Organically grown,

–Tick Tock rooibos tea–
is still harvested by hand and cured
naturally in the clear Cedarberg air.

From the side of a Tick Tock 80 tea bags box. Dashes have been added to accentuate the rhymes and phraseology more. Submitted by Amy.

Dissertation and Independence

The problem of ‘ideology’ and ‘politics’
influencing statistics
affects not only their reliability
and validity,
but also their availability.

In some cases this problem was insurmountable,
and statistics on, for example,
the number of young asylum seekers,
were simply not available;

the discussion section deals with this.

However, rather than allow the availability
of statistics – a political issue –
to shape which variables
I chose to present
data on, I felt a moral

imperative to present the findings with ‘gaps’
since, in any case, the gaps
in these statistics spoke perhaps
more, than the statistics
which were available.

From Emma, who sent this excerpt from her 2009 dissertation.

Breaking the Rules

the original source,
word for word.
Isn’t a poem
(only in matters of style)

Cunningly;
words invent
spoken or graphical sources;
In italics or speech marks.

Extract whole excerpts,
keeping them…
…unpunctuated!
And arrange them in lines ☺

Capitalise line beginnings,
to show the veracity of the excerpts.
you may choose whether or not to…
… disguise personal names!

Exercise poetic licence,
Invent punctuation,
E.g. render numerals or symbols as…
YOUR OWN TITLE!!!!!!!!!!

Dan has literally broken the rules.

The Top Ten Weirdest

The top ten
weirdest and funniest
Japanese condoms. Ten
ways to have fun with boobs. Fifteen

ads that prove
sex sells … best? Thirteen
haunted houses that will make you wet
your pants. Girls get

the anime look with extra-wide
contact lenses. Fresh
baked bread, anyone?
Gruesome body bakery. Fifteen

strange and bizarre gifts
for the weirdos in your
life. World’s first
eyeball tattoo – ouch! Ten

types of women you
need to avoid. The top ten
weird and bizarre
Japanese soft drinks.

The top ten All-time most popular articles on inventorspot.com, as of 13 August 2009. Re-ordered, but otherwise unchanged. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Dojo

Be fulfilled … satisfy the hunger within
—Noodfucius 12:45 After Dinner

Dojo Yaki-Udon or Dojo
Yaki-Soba (Japanese): chicken,
char siu pork, assorted seafood, tofu,
egg, bonito flakes, onion, mange tout,

red pepper, Oriental greens, with
yaki-udon or yaki-soba.
Ho Yo Peppered Beef Mi Fan (Taiwanese):
seared peppered beef fillet, green pepper,

onion and mange tout with a rich black
bean and soya sauce topped over steamed
rice. Spicy Seafood Tom Yum Mee (Thai):
scallop, squid, king prawn, mussel, fishcake,

crabstick, pineapple, spring onion,
coriander, lemongrass and fresh
chillies with rice vermicelli in
a spicy Tom Yum broth. Saigonese

Chicken Fillet Pho (Vietnamese
fusion): chargrilled chicken marinated
in Teriyaki sauce with thick rice
noodles, beansprouts, coriander, chillies,

Oriental greens, wakame, menma
and a wedge of lime in a meat broth.

A proverb and four items from the takeaway menu of Dojo Noodle Bar in Cambridge UK, 28 July 2009. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Thought and Jocularity

When I was twelve, I was interviewed by
a doctoral candidate in
education and asked what I wanted
to be when I grew up.

I said that I wanted either to be
a philosopher or a clown,
and I understood then, I think that much
depended on whether or not

I found the world worth philosophising
about, and what the price of
seriousness might be. I was not sure I
wanted to be a philosopher,

and I confess that I have never quite
overcome that doubt.

Read on 1 June 2009 in ‘Undoing Gender’ by Judith Butler (London: Routledge 2004), p234. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Strangulation By Any Other Name

Tenir ce sac et sa poignée
hors de portée des bébés et enfants
pour éviter tout risque d’étouffement.

Plastiktüte und Gryff von Babys und Kindern
fernhalten, um Erstickungs – und
Erdrosselungsgefahr zu vermeiden.

Per evitare rischi di soffocamento
o strangolamento, tenere questa busta di plastica
fuori della portata del bambini.

För att undvika risk för kvävning
och strypning, förvara plast
och handtag utom räckhåll för barn.

Tukehtumis – taikka kuristumisriskin
välttämiseksi on muovipakkaus ja kahva
säilytettävä lasten ulottumattomissa.

For å unngå kvelningsvare,
oppbevar posen on håndtaket
utilgjengelig for barn.

For at undgå fare for kvælning
og strangulering, opbevar plastikposen
og håndtage utilgængelig for børn.

Houd deze plastic zak en het handvat
uit de buurt van baby’s en kinderen,
om gevaar voor wurging
of verstikking te vermijden.

To avoid danger of suffocation
and strangulation keep this plastic bag
and handle away from babies and children.

Warning on the side of a packet of Pampers nappies (diapers) bought this week. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Someone Wrote You Message

Look at this glorious shit. Chinese
community lived on skyscraper roofs,
people for sale in Miami, one more
president killed. How can you explain it?

Revolt in Mexico. A person is
missing – problems with sending – didn’t receive
anything. See that girl anywhere?
Can you fix it? Tell me what happened?

Surprise. What I learned: found your mistake, caught
you on camera, all dates of meetings –
he – I recorded your voice. I found your
task. Jolie cut her face, make her your queen

forever. Chief asks for you – sending you
delivery boy, oh you are lucky.
Let’s make a barbecue on a weekend,
flush up to fifteen pounds of waste and toxins

from your body. See you there, address
attached. Where was your mind? You were great.
You were banned. Something strange happens to
everyone. Someone wrote you message.

A compilation of email subject lines from my spam folder over the last month. Is it just me or has spam got less filthy? Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

To Bumble Beer

Simply the Best, The Bee’s Knees,
Eight Hundred Years of Innovation;
William Wilberforce Freedom Ale,
Eight Hundred Years of Inspiration.

Jack’s Revenge, Geronimo, Polly’s Folly, Oscar Wilde,
Nelson’s Revenge, Tally Ho!, Nero, Black Dog Freddy Mild.
Merry Andrew, Happy Jack, Prometheus, Sir Roger’s Porter,
Edwin Taylor’s Extra Stout, Betty Stogs, Gunner’s Daughter.

Cock ‘n’ Bull story, Mutt’s Nuts, Straw Dog, Stoat,
Golden Newt, Sly Fox, White Hart, Old Goat,
Curlew’s Return, Black Dog Mild, Double Swan, Porker’s Snout,
Funky Monkey, Whapweasel, Marmalade Cat, Oyster Stout.

Porta Porta, Salem Porter,
Black Jack Porter, Aviator;
Rivet Catcher, Umbel Magna
Golden Plover, Silver Adder;
Cornish Knocker, Spingo Bragget
Broadside, Spingo Jubilee;
Kellyhopter, Maritime, Frigate,
Wherry, Village Bike, Maybee…

Nyewood Gold, Somerland Gold, Golden Lance, Dark O,
Shackler’s Gold, Halzephron Gold, Golden Shower, Nero.
Honey Blonde, Sunchaser Blonde, Blonde Bombshell, Loveley’s Fair,
Lakeland Red, Kingston Black, Dark Ruby, Ginger Bear.

Polar Eclipse, Stormwatch, Spooky Moon, Storm Force,
Polar Star, Impy Dark, Dark Forest, Golden Gorse;
Lost in the Woods, Armageddon, Pendle Witches’ Brew,
Flying Serpent, Red Dragon, Iron Bridge Brew.

Elderquad, Agincourt, Danish Dynamite,
Scapa special, Chawden Aur, Chocolate Orange Delight.
Elderfizz, Shacklebush, Mad Monk, Pioneer,
Welterweight, Slumberjack, Pi, Bumble Beer.

A list of beer names (and three ciders – can you spot them?) from the Thirty-Sixth Cambridge Beer Festival Programme, May 2009. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.