Who Are You Looking For?

Who are you looking for?
Penelope Twee –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Penelope Tree?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Penelope Twee.

Who are you looking for?
Gilbert Same –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Gilbert Lee?
We
couldn’t find anyone named
Gilbert Same.

Who are you looking for?
John Bob Bobson –
Hmm. Our
name search server seems
to have wandered off.

Who are you looking for?
Wigan Pier –
Sorry, but
you’ve reached your limit
on searches for now.

Microcopy on the Twitter Find People page when I entered the names above, 2009.

The Top Ten Weirdest

The top ten weirdest
and funniest
Japanese condoms.
Ten ways to have fun
with boobs.

Fifteen ads that prove
sex sells … best? Thirteen
haunted houses
that will make you
wet your pants. Girls

get the anime look
with extra-wide
contact lenses. Fresh
baked bread, anyone?
Gruesome body bakery.

Fifteen strange
and bizarre gifts
for the weirdos
in your life. World’s first
eyeball tattoo – ouch!

Ten types of women
you need to avoid.
The top ten
weird and bizarre
Japanese soft drinks.

Top 10 all-time most popular articles on inventorspot.com, as of 13 August 2009.

Hose on Charlie’s Nose

Come on Charlie, get ready to be turned on.

I don’t want a hose
on the end of my nose.
I’ll look like an elephant.

O but Charlie, just think,
you’ll be doing a great job.
Your cold water will be cleaning
Button Moon.

Alright Small, just for you.
Go on. Stick it on.

Small, when you’re ready
for Charlie to be turned on
you just call out
and I’ll get soggy cloth.
He spends most of his time
sitting over there in that soap dish.
It’s about time he did some work.

Sorry Captain Large,
I’ve got the other end of the hose
but I don’t know what to do with it.

Get ready to turn him on.
Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

Oh well done Small.
Now you can press the button,
nice and slow.

Oooooh.

Dialogue from Button Moon episode ‘Hose on Charlie’s Nose,’ 1980s.

I Find the College

I find the college…
infinitely the best in the university;
for it is the smallest,
and it is filled with lawyers,
who have lived in the world,
and know how to behave.
Whatever may be said to the contrary,
there is certainly very little
debauchery in this university,
especially among the people of fashion.

Unattributed quotation in The University of Cambridge, an ‘unofficial history produced by the University of Cambridge Board of Continuing Education for the use of participants in its courses’.

Gap Year

Dan Strong is bungee jumping,
Dutch boys, lies and more lies, Oxford lads, the north, small Thai ladies, happy elephants, ‘bamboo rafts don’t fucking float’, jungle treks, more Irish girls, Thai boxing, watching failure, and how far does the rabbit hole go…

Dan Strong is maekong man,
he came, he saw, he mankini’d vang vieng in two! tubing, happy shakes, happy bread, and the rest, lying in rivers ”soooo…..this is nice”, being gracefully shot down, 25m rope swings, how to save a life, and a lot of unexplained injuries! TIL baby.…

Dan Strong is crashing motorbikes,
hefty fines, ”the biggest island is a shithole”, german girls, being unable to get rid of our dutch companion, chilling in rice paddies, getting groped by a french teacher, best bus trip ever and sleeping aids….

Dan Strong is capsizing tuk tuks,
killing fields, tuol sleng, sleeping on rooftops, ‘im so excited about these temples, cock blocking, wasting time in hammocks….ha! cambodian clubs, dirty western perverts and the master of sublety, TIC baby.

Dan Strong is the child tree,
waiting far too long for overpriced bar shirts, drinking games for boys, best gay ever! gecko vs snake, street dancing, clean clothes, temples, lara croft, pissing off the tiger, best meal ever and maybe there is light at the end of this very deep rabbit hole.…

Dan Strong is best coffee ever,
last night with mum and dad, back in t land, 6 hour waits, israel girl, tittus, and khao San mornings…. Same same but brilliantly different! P

Facebook updates from a young guy who is travelling. Submitted by Lucie Shuker.

The Mundane Mr Eggleston

They show us the grain of the present,
like the cross-section of a tree.

Old tyres, Dr Pepper machines,
discarded air-conditioners,
vending machines, empty and dirty
Coca-Cola bottles, torn posters,
power poles and power wires,
street barricades, one-way signs,
detour signs, No Parking signs,
parking meters and palm trees
crowding the same curb.

A dog trotting toward the camera;
a Moose lodge; a woman
standing by a rural road;
a row of country mailboxes;
a convenience store; the lobby
of a Krystal fast-food restaurant –
all of these ordinary scenes.

From the Wikipedia page for William Eggleston.

One For You

This seems to be one for you:

date1 July 2009 06:11
subjectThere he sat and cried

hide details 06:11 (6 hours ago) Reply

Hello. Is there perchance!

switchings

Facebook message from a writer friend – thought she was sending me a poem for this blog until I realised it was spam.

Harry Has Uses

Harry is developing good control
of his pencil movements.
He is working on counting up and back
in steps of twos and tens.
Harry enjoys spending time on
investigative sites on the computer
and is competent on the internet.

He likes to use clay and box modelling
to interpret his ideas. Harry
has developed a good understanding
of the past, present and future.
He has been keen to spend time on
developing the role-play area
into a bakery, resulting in
him producing some very good price lists.

Harry is one of a very few children
who have mastered the ropes in gymnastics.
He is now developing his target skills.

My son’s first school report, aged 5.