roads? where we’re going we

roads? where we’re going, we
don’t need roads – game
over man, game over –
these go to eleven – i am serious,
and don’t call me shirley –
i feel the need, the need for
speed – say hello to my little
friend – i’ll have what she’s
having – would you like me to
seduce you? is that what
you’re trying to tell me? – get
busy livin’ or get busy dyin’ –
i’m not bad. i’m just drawn
that way – if the pirates of the
caribbean breaks down, the
pirates don’t eat the tourists
– i’ll be back – may the force
be with you – here’s johnny!

From an advert for DVD shop Fopp in the Cambridge Arts Picture House programme, May 2009.

Pack a Punch

Travel is subject
to National Rail
Conditions of Carriage
NRCoC and to the
conditions of carriage
of other operators
on whose services
this ticket is ( )

Offpeak Day Travelcard, June 2009. The parenthesis marks a word that was punched out by the ticket inspector. Submitted by Andrew.

For When the Numbers Don’t Speak for Themselves

Imagine
a typical reader
looking over your shoulder as you write,
and reacting to your words.
Try to keep this reader interested,
intrigued,
but not baffled.
Try and make
a continuous chain of written thought. Do not
lurch
from
one topic to
another without adequate introduction or
ration-
ale. ‘Discontinuity’ and jumps
in
ex-
po-
si-
tion
are off-putting to your
readers. Hence clear
organisation is very helpful, to the
reader and to the
writer. Unless it is very short,
divide your work
into sections, each dealing
with a CLEARLY IDENTIFIED SUBDIVISION of your topic.
Begin by saying what the project is about;

do not give the impression of grinding to a halt because you can not think of anything more to say.

Writing advice in a final year undergraduate project handbook from Bristol University Maths Department, 2009. Submitted by Kat(i)e.

A Prayer for Skeletons

1.

Father, thank you for today.
Thank you that you made us
and that you love us.

I pray that Theo and Huxley
won’t be afraid of anything:
not monsters or dinosaurs,
noises or the dark,
aliens or skeletons
(or pirates),
school or nursery.

Or anything they’ve read in a book
or seen in a film.

I pray that they will sleep really well
and have good dreams not bad dreams.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

2.

You didn’t say pirates
I did say pirates.
You didn’t say skeletons
I did say skeletons.

You didn’t say football club
You’re not scared of football club.
I am. You’re not going to football club
for another four sleeps.

You didn’t say nursery
I did but just for you,
help him not be scared of nursery
amen now go to sleep.

The prayer my sons make me say every night before bed, and the typical conversation that ensues.

The Love Song of I. Buprofen

If you suffer from any of the following
at any time during your treatment
stop taking the medicine and seek
immediate medical help:

Pass blood in your faeces.
Pass black tarry stools.
Vomit any blood or dark particles
that look like coffee grounds.
Develop a stiff neck, headache, nausea,
vomiting, fever and disorientation.

Stop taking the medicine and
tell your doctor if you experience:

Indigestion or heartburn.
Abdominal pains (pains in your stomach)
or other abnormal stomach symptoms.
Asthma, shortness of breath, skin rash,
itching or swelling of the face and tongue.

Fever, sore throat, mouth ulcers,
flu-like symptoms, severe exhaustion,
unexplained bleeding or bruising.

Other side effects that some patients
have had with ibuprofen include:

Stomach discomfort,
diarrhoea,
flatulence (wind),
constipation,
headache, dizziness,
vertigo, tinnitus

(ringing in the ears),

fluid retention,
high blood pressure,
visual disturbances,
feeling unwell,
tiredness and drowsiness,
sleeping problems,
nervousness, numbness
and tingling,

confusion, hallucinations and depression,
swelling of the feet and occasionally
blistering or flaking of the skin.

It has been known for Ibuprofen
to cause gastro-intestinal disturbances
such as abdominal pain, nausea,
vomiting or ulcers. Ibuprofen
can make colitis and Crohn’s disease worse.

Very rarely,
blood in the urine,
kidney damage or
even failure,
liver damage
(including jaundice,
with yellowing of
the skin or eyes),
blood disorders or
sensitivity
to light may occur.

Some patients with
auto-immune disorders
(such as lupus)
have experienced a
kind of meningitis
(inflammation
of the brain) with
symptoms such as
stiff neck, headache,
nausea, vomiting,
fever or disorientation.

If you experience any other
unusual or unexpected symptoms
which persist or are troublesome,
consult your doctor or pharmacist.

If you experience
dizziness, drowsiness,
tiredness or problems with vision,
do not drive or
operate machinery.

Medicines such as Ibuprofen
tablets may be associated with
a small risk of heart attack
(“myocardial infarction”)

or stroke.

From the Patient Information Leaflet for Ibuprofen Tablets BP 200mg, bought from the Co-op last week.

up4it

I spoke2Safia,
She was well up4it,
But timings r gonna b tricky.
The kids go2bed@10/11!

She said
She could
Change their bedtime4our class,
I don’t think that’s practical!

The kids r away
@their dads4most
of the w/end…
We could change
Times@the w/end
Dependin,
Coz she’s flexible.

What do u think?

Text from a friend, 1 April 2009. Submitted by Liz.

Spam #2

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Text from a spam email, 2004.

Burnt Sugar

Like Aphrodite emerging
from the foaming ocean,

this caramel treat is the
grown-ups-only love-god
of our crumbly fudge-pantheon.

More simply: a sprinkle
of sea salt accentuates
the caramel-iness of
caramel and
results in loveliness.

Naturally naughty, melt-in-the-mouth-y,
born from copper pans and roaring flames.

From some fudge packaging, 2009. Submitted by Marika Rose.